African American Hospice Caregiver: Patient, Dementia Poem

With federal marshals guarding her from angry mobs in 1960, first-grader Ruby Bridges integrated William Frantz Public School in New Orleans, Louisiana, my hometown. In protest during the first year, all parents withdrew their children from the school.

Dying is universal. A hospice volunteer, I come together with my patients as strangers and often discover, even in our differences, that we share similarities that bond us to higher levels of understanding of one another and ourselves. Shared similarities can include race, language, talents, occupations, travel, values, joys and even common pain.

My book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes concludes each chapter with an original poem. I was moved to write the poem Deeper Than Words while watching my hospice patient sleep. I thought about our shared African American history that bridged our communication beyond her dementia. This poem is dedicated to Miss Loretta, Ruby Bridges and our awe-inspiring ancestors.

Deeper Than Words

The outside world arrives

wearing my willing face.

Toothless, your smile widens

like a baby’s hungry for attention.

Almost ninety-eight years old,

your inner candle still glows.

A hospice volunteer, I lean closer,

talk into your listening left ear,

“Today is Sunday, Miss Loretta.”

My news drifts away like smoke.

You stare at me through dying coals.

Whatever I ask, you whisper, “Yes.”

I stroke your age-softened arms

while your hazed mind masters sleep.

Watching you, I dream generations

of women black and strong, each one

a book of sustaining stories

about joy, pain, courage, survival.

Within your warm brown frame,

spirits from our common history linger.

Aides say you have dementia,

that you don’t know a word I say.

Our language goes deeper than words.

We speak to each other’s souls.

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Alzheimer's Dementia: Love Before and After (Video 4:42)

If you know a good love story, share it. George and Adriana Cuevas have a great love story. Beginning 87 years ago, their love reigns eternal. They met as children with trillions of dreams and no certainties about their futures. Distance sat between them for 15 long years. But they continued as pen pals until love brought them back together like inseparable magnets.

The day finally arrived when their love was celebrated in marriage. Children followed with lots of reasons for George and Adriana to cherish their mutual joy while stringing memories together. But dementia, a terminal illness with many challenges, also became an integral part of their relationship. Sometimes love is too magnificent to explain, but the story must still be told. When The Mind Says Goodbye does that:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers in America and other countries and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Mardi Gras Celebrations in Older Adult, Senior Communities (Video 1:25)

Parties and small parades are common in nursing homes and other older adult communities in New Orleans and other cities celebrating the world-famous Mardi Gras or Carnival season. It's a great time for fantasy, food and fun! The Mardi Gras season begins on January 6 and continues until Fat Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday begins the Christian season of Lent. Mardi Gras day makes its annual debut this year on February 12, 2013. Street parades attracting huge crowds of local residents and curious tourists occur daily. Parades are held during the day and at night.

Growing up in New Orleans, I loved this magical season. Mardi Gras parades created wonderful memories for me. The excitement of swimming in an ocean of festivities, the buoyancy from living fantastic fantasies thrilled my senses. They connected me with the same wave of wonderment flowing through every child who ever lived on this planet.

As a hospice volunteer and traveler, I have had the good fortune of seeing entertaining Mardi Gras merriment enhancing quality of life in older adult communities in various cities. I store all my Mardi Gras memories in a marvelous, mental, treasure chest painted with purple, green and gold brush strokes, the official colors of Mardi Gras. I always smile when I look inside. No doubt, amused older adults will be smiling this Mardi Gras 2013 and many Mardi Gras seasons to come.

Upcoming Mardi Gras Dates:

(Mardi Gras can fall on any Tuesday between February 3 and March 9.)

• February 28, 2017
• February 13, 2018
• March 5, 2019
• February 25, 2020
• February 16, 2021
• March 1, 2022
• February 21, 2023
• February 13, 2024
• March 4, 2025
• February 17, 2026
• February 9, 2027
• February 29, 2028
  March 5, 2030
  February 25, 2031,
  February 10, 2032
  March 1, 2033
  February 21, 2034
  February 6, 2035
  February 26, 2036
  February 17, 2037
  March 9, 2038
  February 22, 2039
  February 14, 2040
  March 5, 2041
  February 18, 2042
  February 10, 2043
  March 1, 2044
  February 21, 2045
  February 6, 2046
  February 26, 2047
  February 18, 2048
  March 2, 2049
  February 22, 2050

The celebration at the Catholic Charities Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE)  features older adults celebrating with a Mardi Gras ball including a king, queen, maids and dukes of the royal court. Plenty of sparkling apple juice is provided for toasting! This brief video is an example of Mardi Gras celebrations held in many older adult communities. Let the good times roll!

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers in America and other countries and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Doctors’ Burnout, Cremation and a Blog Birthday (Research, Video: .51)

Welcome to my sixth Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog birthday party! Now that you’re here, have some mouth-watering chocolate cake while I tell you about blogging predictions. A fantastic aspect of blogging is predicting which posts will be most popular. I’ve been surprised many times. With thousands of pageviews, these are the top two posts over the past six years:

1) Hospice-Palliative Care Doctors and Burnout (Research, Video 5:48) 

Posted in 2010, this post is by far the most viewed of all. I was particularly attracted to writing it because the research and video concerning doctors’ burnout are eye-openers about their personal career suffering.

2) Cremation Process and Storage of Cremains (Video 2:32) 

If there is any doubt that cremation continues to grow in acceptance in America, this post proves it. Posted in 2010, it continues to receive pageviews regularly.

My goodness! The years keep ending and beginning, and now it's 2013. Blogging is a challenging, rewarding and service-oriented activity for me. A solitary process, it still gives me opportunities to meet and exchange ideas with interesting, like-minded people all over the world. My objectives are to promote more interest in hospice and palliative care, share my personal journey and insights as a hospice volunteer, increase person-centered nursing homes, and improve quality of life for older adults in general.

Thank you for dropping by my blog birthday party and for any other times you have visited this site. Commemorating this milestone with the Happy Birthday song sponsored by the American Cancer Society is singer, actress and spokesperson Jennifer Hudson:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers in America and other countries and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice Book Review by Reader Scared of Death

The reading audience of hospice and other books about death includes many who approach this subject with fear. They also avoid talking, writing or reading about the end of life. An author, eldercare consultant and hospice volunteer, I have been told on numerous occasions that dying is just too depressing and final to share openly.

This reluctance to deal with mortality visited a friendship of mine. I had given a casual friend a copy of my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. Wanting to be sensitive and not knowing her feelings about death, I decided not to talk to her about the book unless she mentioned it. Eventually, she did. I’ll call her Alice. She approved my writing this blog post.

Because Alice works in the healthcare profession, I was surprised to discover that she feels strongly that death, a frightening stalker of her dreams, is an enemy that terrifies her. She shared that death has stolen too many of her loved ones, including pets. She helplessly dreads the thought of losing even more. My own acceptance of death, which comes across clearly in my conversations and writings, seems inappropriate to her. She finds my views too accepting of her adversary, too casual a regard for life. While she says she would consider hospice care along with other options in the future, she admits she could never be even an average hospice volunteer. It would be too painful.

What is her review of Becoming Dead Right? She loves the patients’ stories and my comments about interactions with various people in the nursing home world. The original poetry, which concludes each chapter and probably nudges her own poetic abilities, pleases her. She finds the discussions on hospice, nursing homes, caregiving, dementia, death and bereavement informative. The explanations about intergenerational school-nursing home partnerships and the ideal nursing home described in the last chapter are particularly enjoyable. But she dislikes emphatically the premise that there is a “right” way to die.

I am not sure if her hostility toward death has changed much, but I hope that this book meeting with what she refers to as “the monster” has impacted her positively on some level. Those of us who embrace the reality of dying and death will continue to be viewed with dismay by those who cope with mortality through avoidance and resignation of themselves and loved ones as victims of malicious end-of-life  powers.

Alice’s revelations reinforce the importance of promoting dying as a natural part of life that should be experienced with calm and dignity by everyone. I believe conversations and writings enhance lives of the naysayers one person at a time. These efforts empower them slowly with death acceptance even as they resist the message. I appreciate Alice’s frankness in sharing death’s distressful presence in her life and in giving feedback on my book. Most of all, I commend her willingness to become a ball of courage rolling into the high weeds where the death monster lives.

You can read book endorsements, excerpts, and more at my website.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Robot Caregivers of Older Adults: Do You Love Me? (Research, Video:1:47)

Seriously, can older adults not love Nursebot Pearl? She talks, has a face with interchangeable parts for various emotions, reminds them about important tasks, sends information remotely to caregivers, and provides needed strength for manipulating objects. No, she can’t replace a great human caregiver, but she can certainly hold her own and help older adults stay independent when humans are in short supply. But can they love her?

Researchers wondered, too. In the paper titled Older Adults' Preferences for and Acceptance of Robot Assistance for Everyday Living Tasks, researchers at the Georgia Institute of Technology showed groups of adults age 65 to 93 a video of a robot's capabilities and then asked them how they would feel about having a robot in their homes. What was their response? Apparently, older adults loved the idea of robots for some tasks, but preferred humans for others:

Loveable Robotic Assistance:

1)   Housekeeping and laundry

2)   Reminders to take medication and other health-related tasks

3)   Enrichment activities such as learning new information or skills

4)   Participation in hobbies

Preferred Human Assistance:

1)   Personal tasks such as eating, dressing, bathing and grooming

2)   Social tasks such as phoning family or friends

Let the record show that older adults can and do love robots under certain conditions. View this video from AARP Tech Beat which explores how robots can serve as home health aides and help people to continue living independently in the future.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Dead Bodies No One Claims: Death Ritual, Disposal (Video 4:16)

People die every day leaving bodies that no one claims. Perhaps no loved ones can be found. Maybe found loved ones will not or cannot pay for body disposal services. Some bodies are donated to science, but many are not. Who honors unclaimed bodies with a death ritual? Who is responsible for disposal of their remains?

Sometimes concerned strangers celebrate unclaimed deceased members of our society with a final farewell ceremony. A few years ago, I attended a death ritual service where community people simply joined with a local funeral home where the morgue sent unclaimed bodies for cremation and disposal. Together they created a monthly public ritual honoring the unclaimed deceased.

The day I participated, we paid our respects to 28 deceased people whose actual bodies were not present. Our purpose was to provide a final send-off to celebrate their lives. For various reasons such as abandonment at the morgue and hospitals, or loved ones not providing a funeral, these spirits of the old and young found their way to this ritual that brought formal closure to the lives of those with no other means of having this observance.

The service included heartfelt words, music, printed programs, American flags, candles and beautiful roses representing each deceased honoree. I sensed something powerful in the room when each departed person’s earthly existence was affirmed with an orally read acknowledgement stating name (if known), date of birth and death. Our sincere and enthusiastic response of “May he/she rest in peace” felt empowering, knowing our presence served as testimony to their lives and our hopes for their future peace. We sang in celebration of this momentous occasion. Each honoree had been claimed.

There is still the question of who pays financially for cremation and disposal of unclaimed bodies. That answer is explained in this special news report. This video describes how much taxpayers in one state and local county spent on cremating bodies that went unclaimed in the morgue and medical examiner's office.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog