Grief Support: School, Workplace (Video 3:57)

We all know that death can and will come at any time. However, many times we don’t expect it and may not be prepared for how to respond. When I was school principal of a PK-8^th grade school, a speeding car drove over the curb during student dismissal time. This massive nightmare of steel plowed through a group of giggling students heading for home. Staff, students, and I witnessed a boy’s body fly into the air and land with a life-destroying thud in the middle of the street.

Time stood still as we endured the horrific sounds of our rapidly beating hearts absorbing what had happened. This young member of our school family was tragically killed before our eyes. We joined together as a community untangling the tremendous grief, a first time for most, through heartfelt expressions of painful feelings. Ongoing healing included counseling support, a school memorial service, and many classroom conversations about death, a topic that is too often ignored until a crisis comes.

As adults in the workplace, our co-workers also die in expected and unexpected circumstances, leaving us with similar experiences of grief and loss that impact us as a work community. For many, the workplace staff becomes a family grieving in various ways as they experience a shared loss.

Comforting co-workers who are struggling with grief symptoms can be uncomfortable for some people. While they may have good intentions, they often lack confidence regarding what to say or do that will help mourners adjust. At the workplace, many staff members may feel that only experts should handle grief support. Worried that they might cause hurt feelings, they may remain distant from those mourning openly. Holding back their support, however, can negatively impact colleagues who are suffering and looking for healing.

Although counselors and others trained in grief management play an important role, colleagues can also make beneficial contributions. Before tragedies occur, individuals of the organization should have workshops and meetings at workplaces and include time for sharing strategies everyone can incorporate to alleviate grief as a community. Implementation of these strategies can help create workplace cultures where everyone feels inspired to support one another in whatever ways they can during times of grief. Managers should plan to have an open forum where employees feel free to discuss their emotions, offer assistance to the families of the deceased, and understand that people grieve in different ways.

This video provides suggestions for coping with workplace grief. It focuses on death of a colleague in the workplace. Jessica Barton of R3 Continuum reviews the different reactions to various types of death in the workplace and offers reminders of positive teaching points.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

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Hospice Book Reviewer Faces Death Fears

For some people, death is a terminally ill taboo that should be feared. They avoid talking, hearing, writing, or even reading about the end of life. A hospice volunteer for 20 years, an author, and eldercare consultant, I have been told on several occasions that death is just too depressing and final to welcome on any level. 

This reluctance to examine mortality visited a friendship of mine. I had given her a copy of my book BecomingDead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. After reading the book with a mixture of curiosity and hesitance, she shared this book review with me. I’ll call her Alice. She approved my writing this post.

Because Alice works in a hospital, I was somewhat surprised to discover that she felt strongly that death, a scary stalker of her dreams, is her enemy. She explained that death has stolen too many of her loved ones, including pets. She worries about losing even more. My own positive acceptance of death, which comes across clearly in my conversations and writings, seems too accepting of her persistent adversary. While she says she would consider hospice care for herself in the future, she admits being a hospice volunteer caregiving terminally ill patients would be frightening.

What is her feedback regarding Becoming Dead Right, my non-fiction book? She cares deeply about the residents’ interesting stories and my interactions with various people in the nursing home world. My original poetry, which concludes each chapter, also pleases her. She finds the discussions on hospice, nursing homes, caregiving, dementia, death, and bereavement very informative. She appreciates that, while the book is appealing on a universal level, it includes the often-missing voices of urban dwellers, including people of color. She finds the intergenerational school-nursing home partnerships through service-learning uplifting. The ideal nursing home described in the last chapter is particularly impressive. Basically, she loves the book, but not the premise that there is a “right” way to die.

I am glad that this book meeting with her dreaded death demon impacts her so positively. Those of us who embrace the topic of death will continue to be viewed with dismay by people who cope with mortality through avoidance and resignation of themselves and loved ones as victims of death’s imagined malicious powers. Alice’s death revelations  remind us of the significance of promoting death as a natural part of life that should be experienced with dignity by everyone. 

Death conversations that we initiate can enhance lives of fearful naysayers one person at a time. These efforts empower them slowly with death acceptance even as they resist the message. I value Alice’s frankness in sharing death’s distressful presence in her life and in giving me positive feedback on my book. Most of all, I commend her willingness to become a ball of courage rolling into the high weeds of her life where the death demon lives. 

You can read more reviews and excerpts from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes at my website: http://www.francesshaniparker.com/     

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Alone, But Not Lonely (Research, Personality Traits Video 5:21)

Older adults and others who live alone are often viewed as having adverse health conditions and/or poor social networking skills. Some observers assume that those who are viewed as loners are unhappy with their lives and live with sad feelings of isolation from others. While this possibility exists, it is important to remember that many people who enjoy aloneness are living lives that they find satisfying and socially fulfilling.

A research study was done on the perspectives of older adults regarding their time spent alone. Participants lived in a retirement village or lived independently in the community. The three themes noted from their responses were having balance in activities, keeping busy, and experiencing nights as the worst times. This study highlights the importance some older people place on their need to manage time alone so that it is a positive and nourishing experience and to avoid extended periods of boredom. Enabling older adults to balance time spent alone by addressing barriers to participation in the community in addition to finding engaging ways to occupy time has the potential to prevent loneliness and improve well-being.

Like people of all ages, many older adults enjoy their alone time and do not view their aloneness as loneliness. Spending quality time alone can have many advantages when people have developed interesting activities that add purpose  to their lives. A lifestyle in which aloneness plays a major role may not suit everybody. But, for those who enjoy longer periods of alone time, it can be a positive addition to their overall healthy living.

The luring road to solitude promises countless adventures that enhance life journeys. Who are the people who savor this aloneness time with passion? This video explains 12 of their special personality traits.      

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Healthcare Cleaning Staff - Patient Communication (Research, Video 6:17)

Whenever I hear an employee say, “I’m just the _________________( a job title that they clearly don’t see as too important in the fulfillment of a company mission ), I know that the leadership should begin working on making inclusive changes to end this kind of thinking. Often, even other staff workers think that colleagues at a certain level, such as the cleaning staff, have no real connection with operational success. It’s little wonder that cleaning staff members may assume their contributions are not too important if they are never recognized.

A former school principal, I always emphasized the significance of every employee’s contribution to the success of our school. Instead of celebrating Secretary’s Day, Boss’s Day, or Teacher Appreciation Week, our entire school celebrated Staff Appreciation Week and included all staff, including custodial staff, aides, cafeteria workers, volunteers, and even the street crossing guard and our regular mailperson. A few “higher level” employees were somewhat uncomfortable with this concept when I first presented it to the staff. But they eventually came to understand as our school improved that we were all valued links in a strong chain in which everybody’s contribution mattered.

Healthcare organizations can also benefit from such a culture. In this post, research focuses on the hospital cleaning staff experiences “tidying rooms and tending hearts with seriously ill and dying patients.” Perhaps you have had such an experience yourself when you were hospitalized. While cleaning staff communication is seldom recognized, many opportunities are presented in hospitals and long-term care facilities where cleaning staff members, not only interact with very ill patients, but also cope at personal levels with their dying and deaths.

This research included cleaning staff participants in interviews and in focus group discussions. They described interactions with patients as an important and fulfilling aspect of their work. About half of participants indicated that patients talked with them every day on average for one to three minutes. While conversations included casual topics such as weather and family, patients also discussed their illnesses and thoughts regarding death. When patients addressed illness and death, cleaning staff members said they often felt uncomfortable and helpless. More training on how to handle these sensitive discussions would be helpful for them in supporting patients when patients want to speak openly with them about illness and death.

This wonderful video titled “I am Essential” focuses on staff members of the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Support Services and emphasizes that all members are truly essential to hospital operations, not just cleaning rooms. They have stories about supporting patients in important ways as part of a team with a common mission. They are often the eyes and ears that can add significant information about what goes on in the total environment. Every job has a component above a basic job description. All staff members are essential and should be praised for their input as team members serving with a common mission.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Older Adults Honored Through Dance (Research, Video 2:02)

I have witnessed outstanding young people displaying great kindness toward older adults on many occasions. But I have also viewed lots of young people on the Internet in so-called funny videos mimicking older adults in the most insensitive ways. Stereotypes were used in the extreme with language and graphics defying human decency. In addition, some young adults are guilty of mistreating older adults in terms of crime, service, and general courtesy.

If young adults really appreciated the sacrifices that were made for them by previous generations, not just in their own families, but society in general, perhaps they would understand that many of these older adults are entitled to far more respect than they are receiving from them. Unfortunately, when many older adults who are treated unfairly due to their aging, they develop negative views about themselves. A study on aging “reflects the importance of positive views on aging as a resource for a healthy old age despite aging in precarious circumstances.”

This amazing video with young adult dancers celebrates the love and vibrancy of older aging. Keone and Mariel Madrid, dance choreographers who are a young married couple, perform a routine as an older couple to Bob Marley's "Is This Love?” Like the song says, older adults just want to be loved and treated right.  Who doesn’t?

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Pet Ownership: Life, Death, Grief (Research, Video 2:51)

“My little dog is getting older and that is making me sad. I just had to start him on a supplement for inflammation because he is having trouble walking. I hate seeing him this way!”A friend of mine recently closed her email to me with those words. From previous friends I have had who owned pets, I know she is walking on an inevitable path that will lead to her dog’s death and her accompanying grief. The one who has given her great memories will become one.

As pets age and benefit from loving care of good people, we should never underestimate the tremendous benefits people reap from them. The National Poll on Healthy Aging sponsored by AARP and Michigan Medicine reports that pet ownership helps older adults cope with mental and physical health issues, connect with others, and get more exercise. Unfortunately, pets can cause concerns with some people putting their pets’ needs ahead of their own health. But the rewards improve human aging in numerous ways before pets die.

In this video, plastic surgeon Andrew Ordon grieves over his beloved bulldog Lulu who recently died. Veterinarian Courtney Campbell offers advice on coping with the loss of a pet. For more information about end-of-life pet care, visit www.aspca.org/care.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

End-of-Life Phenomena (EOLP): Hospice Volunteer Research

I have been a hospice volunteer for 20 years, mainly giving bedside care to residents in Detroit, Michigan nursing homes. Most of my assigned hospice residents shared rooms with one to three other residents. During weekly visits, my residents and I have discussed numerous topics. Occasionally, conversations included end-of life phenomena (EOLP) in which they spoke about visiting or being visited by spirits. Discussions about spirits created opportunities for them to express emotions openly about death while reflecting on life. They enjoyed describing their visitors and their trips. Their detailed comments explained, not only whom they saw, but also their clothing, scenery, and pets. 

Many hospice volunteers and healthcare workers have had similar conversations with patients about these phenomena. Researched end-of-life phenomena (EOLP) surveying thirty-nine hospice volunteers revealed the following:

1) Forty-nine percent of the volunteers either had personally witnessed EOLP in their volunteer work and/or had a patient or patient's family member report EOLP to them. 

2) More than half of the volunteers agreed that EOLP influenced their religious beliefs and their spirituality in a positive way.

3) Eighty-nine percent of the volunteers indicated that they had never received any training about EOLP. Nearly all of the volunteers were interested in learning more about EOLP.

4) After completing the survey, fifty-nine percent of the volunteers shared EOLP stories they had either personally witnessed or heard. The most frequently reported experiences involved deathbed visions.

Deathbed visions have also been my own most frequent EOLP topic in conversations with my own residents. I understand that some people say these spirit sightings are medical, chemical reactions in the brain or hallucinations. I also know that others speaking from emotional, spiritual perspectives say they are angels, spirits, or ghosts who are there to connect with them. For all those reasons, I do think these sightings should be reported to appropriate healthcare workers. 

Personally, I go along with my residents’ EOLP explanations because the experiences have always been comforting and positive to them. I think about a Song of Solomon book quote from Nobel Laureate-winning author Toni Morrison: “What difference do it make if the thing you scared of is real or not?” In other words, these visions happen, and they are real to residents. Readers can draw their own conclusions:

(Below is an excerpt from my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. )

“What did you do today?” I asked Rose after feeding her.

“Me? I’ve been spending time with my people. I enjoyed myself a lot.”

“Hey, that’s great. Did your relatives drive in from Chicago?”

“No, I went to heaven. It’s the nicest place, all clean and bright with beautiful scenery everywhere. I saw my family and plenty of my friends. They all wore long white gowns.”

“Wow! I guess that’s a place you’ll want to visit again.”

“Oh, I’ll definitely be going back. I’m planning to go stay there when I die. I’ll see if I can help you get in, too.”

“Thanks. I would really appreciate that.”

(It's good to have connections.)


Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Supporting Certified Nursing Assistants (CNAs)

Certified nursing assistants are usually responsible for the general care of patients in various settings. During my hospice volunteer rounds in Detroit nursing homes, I met many. They were generally first responders meeting residents’ needs. Residents frequently thought of them first when they evaluated their nursing home experience.

Because they worked closely with residents, I had many opportunities to talk with them. They seemed glad to have me there assisting my hospice patients while lightening their workload, especially at mealtimes. They shared their concerns about low pay, staff shortages, difficult work conditions, and not being appreciated.

These are two comments I have heard them express to me about their jobs at nursing homes:

1) “I love working here. It’s not perfect, but we try to work as a team. I treat my patients like they are my family. For some of them, I’m the only one they can really talk to about their true feelings. I know what I do matters.”

2) "This place is depressing. I usually have more patients than I’m supposed to, and nothing I do is enough. It’s low pay with high pressure, but I need the job. When I try to make suggestions, nobody listens. I’m really frustrated."

I found that many CNAs valued their jobs and relationships with residents during stressful situations. They made positive choices while working to improve conditions. Attitude was everything. This wasn’t always easy, especially on a daily basis or during the middle of a crisis. I have seen a CNA get slapped so hard by a resident with dementia that she almost fell. But she maintained her composure and moved on while another CNA interceded. The passion many had for what they were doing helped them overcome adversity.

Like people, all work environments are not good, and all are not bad. A work climate suffers greatly when large numbers of staff stay discontented. Nobody, including residents, benefits from a negative healthcare environment. Welcoming constructive input from all staff members, including nursing assistants, respects everyone. So does working as a team. Oral or written words of appreciation, when deserved, can go a long way in healing trampled self-esteem. An added benefit is decreased staff turnover. When the word gets around, more nursing assistants will choose a facility where they feel respected.

I celebrate everyone doing a fine job working in nursing homes and other healthcare facilities. But this post is written especially in support of certified nursing assistants who help patients, positively touch lives, and will be even more in demand in the future to assist nurses and become nurses. Thank you. I wish you all the best!

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

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Old Love Improving with Time (Research, Video 4:13)

Old Love

The question is asked: "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a young couple clasping hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?"


And the answer is given: "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for each other. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. It’s old love." Unknown

Those quoted words sound wonderful, but does research support what they say about old love? This research examined age-related changes in emotional behavior in a sample of middle-aged and older long-term married couples over a 13-year period. Data were collected at 3 waves, each occurring 5 to 6 years apart. For the present study, there were 87 couples examined who participated in all 3 waves.

Couples were either in the middle-aged group (40-50 years old, married at least 15 years) or the older group (60-70 years old, married at least 35 years). At each wave, couples engaged in 15-minute unrehearsed conversations about an area of disagreement in their marriages.

And what were the results? For both husbands and wives, negative emotional behaviors (primarily belligerence, defensiveness, fear/tension, and whining) decreased. Positive emotional behaviors (primarily humor, enthusiasm, and validation) increased with age. These findings support theories suggesting that positive emotions increase and negative emotions decrease with age between husbands and wives.

In 2015, the Worldwide Marriage Encounter crowned Dale and Alice Rockey the Longest Married Couple of  the year 2015. They had been husband and wife for 81 years. The two met just after the turn of the last century. Their story and others in this video confirm there really is something very beautiful about “the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together.”

        Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

LGBT Youth Support: Schools, Grandparents (Research, Video 6:04)

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth have unique needs that need to be addressed on several levels. A former school principal and current eldercare consultant, I write this post with a focus on LGBT school practices and grandparent perspectives.

Compared to heterosexual youth, research on LGBT school practices indicates that LGBT youth are targeted for bullying at school in disproportionate numbers. It cannot be stressed enough that they, like all students, should be getting their education in a supportive environment through a variety of practices and professional inservices. Bullying of LGBT students is far too common. 

In terms of correctional practices, school administrators reported the following for creating a supportive LGBT environment in schools:

1)    Having a point person for LGBT student issues

2)    Displaying sexual orientation-specific content

3)    Having a gay-straight alliance

4)    Discussing bullying based on sexual orientation

5)    Providing professional development around LGBT inclusion     and LGBT student issues

Not surprisingly, students attending schools with caring LGBT climates reported lower odds of relational bullying victimization, physical bullying perpetration, and sexual orientation-based harassment compared to students in schools with less caring LGBT climates. An added benefit was that these LGBTpractices may be protective for all students, regardless of their sexual orientation. 

Intergenerational family experiences of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community are often not represented during family discussions within the larger heterosexual community. These relationships are important in order to understand better how LGBT individuals function within family systems.

     Beyond school, LGBT youth have family members to consider regarding their advocacy. What about relationships between gay grandchildren and heterosexual grandparents? Grandparents generally want good relationships with their grandchildren, especially those who live near them and with whom they have frequent contact. Positive socialization is helpful and healthy for everyone involved.

Unfortunately, sometimes these relationships can be difficult, even painful. But grandparents like Glen and Linda Marks demonstrate in this video that having a gay grandchild can be an opportunity for open acceptance of who he is. After learning that their grandson was gay, they expressed their determination to "walk" with him with continuing love and support.

You can read my "10 Rules of the Education Game for Educators" here.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog