Pet Ownership: Life, Death, Grief (Research, Video 2:51)

“My little dog is getting older and that is making me sad. I just had to start him on a supplement for inflammation because he is having trouble walking. I hate seeing him this way!”A friend of mine recently closed her email to me with those words. From previous friends I have had who owned pets, I know she is walking on an inevitable path that will lead to her dog’s death and her accompanying grief. The one who has given her great memories will become one.

As pets age and benefit from loving care of good people, we should never underestimate the tremendous benefits people reap from them. The National Poll on Healthy Aging sponsored by AARP and Michigan Medicine reports that pet ownership helps older adults cope with mental and physical health issues, connect with others, and get more exercise. Unfortunately, pets can cause concerns with some people putting their pets’ needs ahead of their own health. But the rewards improve human aging in numerous ways before pets die.

In this video, plastic surgeon Andrew Ordon grieves over his beloved bulldog Lulu who recently died. Veterinarian Courtney Campbell offers advice on coping with the loss of a pet. For more information about end-of-life pet care, visit www.aspca.org/care.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

End-of-Life Phenomena (EOLP): Hospice Volunteer Research

I have been a hospice volunteer for 20 years, mainly giving bedside care to residents in Detroit, Michigan nursing homes. Most of my assigned hospice residents shared rooms with one to three other residents. During weekly visits, my residents and I have discussed numerous topics. Occasionally, conversations included end-of life phenomena (EOLP) in which they spoke about visiting or being visited by spirits. Discussions about spirits created opportunities for them to express emotions openly about death while reflecting on life. They enjoyed describing their visitors and their trips. Their detailed comments explained, not only whom they saw, but also their clothing, scenery, and pets. 

Many hospice volunteers and healthcare workers have had similar conversations with patients about these phenomena. Researched end-of-life phenomena (EOLP) surveying thirty-nine hospice volunteers revealed the following:

1) Forty-nine percent of the volunteers either had personally witnessed EOLP in their volunteer work and/or had a patient or patient's family member report EOLP to them. 

2) More than half of the volunteers agreed that EOLP influenced their religious beliefs and their spirituality in a positive way.

3) Eighty-nine percent of the volunteers indicated that they had never received any training about EOLP. Nearly all of the volunteers were interested in learning more about EOLP.

4) After completing the survey, fifty-nine percent of the volunteers shared EOLP stories they had either personally witnessed or heard. The most frequently reported experiences involved deathbed visions.

Deathbed visions have also been my own most frequent EOLP topic in conversations with my own residents. I understand that some people say these spirit sightings are medical, chemical reactions in the brain or hallucinations. I also know that others speaking from emotional, spiritual perspectives say they are angels, spirits, or ghosts who are there to connect with them. For all those reasons, I do think these sightings should be reported to appropriate healthcare workers. 

Personally, I go along with my residents’ EOLP explanations because the experiences have always been comforting and positive to them. I think about a Song of Solomon book quote from Nobel Laureate-winning author Toni Morrison: “What difference do it make if the thing you scared of is real or not?” In other words, these visions happen, and they are real to residents. Readers can draw their own conclusions:

(Below is an excerpt from my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. )

“What did you do today?” I asked Rose after feeding her.

“Me? I’ve been spending time with my people. I enjoyed myself a lot.”

“Hey, that’s great. Did your relatives drive in from Chicago?”

“No, I went to heaven. It’s the nicest place, all clean and bright with beautiful scenery everywhere. I saw my family and plenty of my friends. They all wore long white gowns.”

“Wow! I guess that’s a place you’ll want to visit again.”

“Oh, I’ll definitely be going back. I’m planning to go stay there when I die. I’ll see if I can help you get in, too.”

“Thanks. I would really appreciate that.”

(It's good to have connections.)


Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Supporting Certified Nursing Assistants (CNAs)

Certified nursing assistants are usually responsible for the general care of patients in various settings. During my hospice volunteer rounds in Detroit nursing homes, I met many. They were generally first responders meeting residents’ needs. Residents frequently thought of them first when they evaluated their nursing home experience.

Because they worked closely with residents, I had many opportunities to talk with them. They seemed glad to have me there assisting my hospice patients while lightening their workload, especially at mealtimes. They shared their concerns about low pay, staff shortages, difficult work conditions, and not being appreciated.

These are two comments I have heard them express to me about their jobs at nursing homes:

1) “I love working here. It’s not perfect, but we try to work as a team. I treat my patients like they are my family. For some of them, I’m the only one they can really talk to about their true feelings. I know what I do matters.”

2) "This place is depressing. I usually have more patients than I’m supposed to, and nothing I do is enough. It’s low pay with high pressure, but I need the job. When I try to make suggestions, nobody listens. I’m really frustrated."

I found that many CNAs valued their jobs and relationships with residents during stressful situations. They made positive choices while working to improve conditions. Attitude was everything. This wasn’t always easy, especially on a daily basis or during the middle of a crisis. I have seen a CNA get slapped so hard by a resident with dementia that she almost fell. But she maintained her composure and moved on while another CNA interceded. The passion many had for what they were doing helped them overcome adversity.

Like people, all work environments are not good, and all are not bad. A work climate suffers greatly when large numbers of staff stay discontented. Nobody, including residents, benefits from a negative healthcare environment. Welcoming constructive input from all staff members, including nursing assistants, respects everyone. So does working as a team. Oral or written words of appreciation, when deserved, can go a long way in healing trampled self-esteem. An added benefit is decreased staff turnover. When the word gets around, more nursing assistants will choose a facility where they feel respected.

I celebrate everyone doing a fine job working in nursing homes and other healthcare facilities. But this post is written especially in support of certified nursing assistants who help patients, positively touch lives, and will be even more in demand in the future to assist nurses and become nurses. Thank you. I wish you all the best!

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

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Old Love Improving with Time (Research, Video 4:13)

Old Love

The question is asked: "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a young couple clasping hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?"


And the answer is given: "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for each other. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. It’s old love." Unknown

Those quoted words sound wonderful, but does research support what they say about old love? This research examined age-related changes in emotional behavior in a sample of middle-aged and older long-term married couples over a 13-year period. Data were collected at 3 waves, each occurring 5 to 6 years apart. For the present study, there were 87 couples examined who participated in all 3 waves.

Couples were either in the middle-aged group (40-50 years old, married at least 15 years) or the older group (60-70 years old, married at least 35 years). At each wave, couples engaged in 15-minute unrehearsed conversations about an area of disagreement in their marriages.

And what were the results? For both husbands and wives, negative emotional behaviors (primarily belligerence, defensiveness, fear/tension, and whining) decreased. Positive emotional behaviors (primarily humor, enthusiasm, and validation) increased with age. These findings support theories suggesting that positive emotions increase and negative emotions decrease with age between husbands and wives.

In 2015, the Worldwide Marriage Encounter crowned Dale and Alice Rockey the Longest Married Couple of  the year 2015. They had been husband and wife for 81 years. The two met just after the turn of the last century. Their story and others in this video confirm there really is something very beautiful about “the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together.”

        Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog