Seriously, if you do this, please stop asking people living with dementia to tell you your name when you greet them. Don't start the conversation with a test they might fail along with your hurt feelings when they do fail. Just say your name and who you are. If they decide to give you another name, that may be okay, too. Don't say that person has been dead ten years, and you told them that 925 times. Don't say that dead people are never coming to visit them again, so quit asking about them or you will take them to the cemetery to see their graves as proof.
Can we all just get along and lighten up? As a hospice volunteer over 20 years mostly in Detroit nursing homes, I have learned there is no one way of handling dementia issues. A lot depends on the level of the disease a person has and their reality. Personally, I have enjoyed impersonating other people sometimes. For example, I have pretended to be a male hospice patient's deceased wife. When I entered his room the first time, he grinned widely, called me Judy, and said how glad he was to see me. Instinctively, I decided to try being Judy, even though I knew from the brief information I had been given about him that Judy, his deceased wife, had been dead several years.
From that day until he died, I entered his reality world as Judy whenever he decided that was who I was. Although neither one of us sang too well, we loved crooning old Motown songs when we reminisced about our dates at Belle Isle Park when we were married. Passing ships, seasonal surroundings, and our general joy were back-in-the-day scenarios we revisited. I often let him take the lead with his descriptive memories that were enlightening, amusing, and welcoming to me. I felt like I was right where I belonged being Judy. I knew we were making progress on some level.
When each visit ended, we BOTH had created more wonderful memories of our special time together at the nursing home. We could recall later with pleasure our experiences featuring a union of minds that made perfect sense to us. And I knew that I could always go back to being Frances Shani Parker in my own reality world any time.
Frances Shani Parker, an eldercare consultant and retired school principal, is author of Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. This book is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers. Visit Frances Shani Parker's website.
Although reality is “the world of things as they actually exist,” everybody does not perceive reality in the same way. Greeting anyone with a name test can be problematic. Think of all the times YOU couldn’t remember people’s names.
ReplyDeleteJust wow!!! Thank you! This is so helpful, so practical, so emancipating! In other words, just roll with it as best we can. Again, so freeing! Reposting!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, you sound like you have been interacting with someone living with dementia. I am glad you are open to perceiving that person's reality in practical ways that can benefit your quality of time spent together. Best wishes to both of you!
DeleteFrances Shani Parker's observation and advice are spot on. My children and I quickly learned the joys of entering my mother's reality rather than forcing her to join ours. She saw big red dogs galloping through the courtyard. She thought she was living in a 5-star hotel and her biggest concern was that I wouldn't pay the bill and she'd get evicted (I always paid). She thought my son was her long-dead brother, which gave her a chance to make amends to him. We enjoyed the fun and good-nature of joining her on her travels. And it didn't matter if she could remember anybody's name. We knew who we were and that we loved her.
ReplyDeleteCheryl, the fun that you all shared has created happy memories and positive strategies for acceptance, patience, creativity, and relationship building. Children should have age-appropriate information about dementia explained and responses modeled for them. They need to know that adults living with dementia are still worthy of value and love, even if they don't remember names.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post on your blog, it really gives me an insight on this topic.
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it. You are always welcome.
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