Caregiver-Patient Joy (Dementia-Music Poem)

When caregivers approach patient care with win-win expectations, they can be surprised by them at any time. Meaningful conversations and feelings drift into a now/here place that are not forced, but still joyous and explosive moments. Many times the experiences are subtle, quiet with a settled satisfaction that brings whispered gifts of personal knowing about life lessons that strengthen the bond between caregiver and patient. One reason some people assume caregiving is always depressing is that caregivers don’t share their joyful caregiving moments enough with people who are unaware of powerful scenarios that occasionally occur between caregivers and patients.

I recall a few of the very special moments I have known as a bedside hospice volunteer caregiver in Detroit nursing homes. This poem describes one of my favorite caregiving moments. I had a very challenging patient whose name was Katherine. She usually lay in bed sleeping or looking up at the ceiling. I couldn’t tell if she was bored, unhappy, mellow, or all three. Rarely speaking, she never sat up on her own or walked. We mostly stared at each other while I talked. But I kept trying to think of ways to climb over the walls that separated us. That was my challenge as her volunteer.

Knowing that Katherine had been active in her Baptist church in the South at one time, I decided to use my CD player (old days) with headphones to help her enjoy music sung by Mahalia Jackson, whom many hail as the greatest gospel singer ever. After reading this poem, you’ll understand why it’s one of my favorite caregiver-patient joys and why I still smile every time I read it. If you have a special caregiver-patient moment of joy, share it so others can smile with you.

                          Sounds of Ecstasy

Headphones frame your head.

You look at me, your volunteer,

wonder what they can be.

Mahalia Jackson’s song erupts,

“When the saints go marching in...”

Sleepy eyes widen like popped corn.

“It’s a CD player,” I say.

Your mental video rewinds

through time from the nursing home

to an Alabama church service

where bodies rock to music.

I join you clapping with the choir.

Your stiffened hands move

with a powerful energy that rises

like a resurrected hot flash.

“It’s wonderful,” you whisper.

Mahalia responds singing,

“Walk all over God’s heaven...”

I picture you joking with Death

when it’s your time to holy dance

to the Other Side of Through.

Mesmerized by the music,

you soak in every song.

A CD player exhilarates you

with sounds of ecstasy.

Such an easy thing for me

to bring, but before I leave,

you say you love me twice.

                  © Frances Shani Parker from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes (an original poem after each   chapter)

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

10 Rules of the Education Game for Educators

10 Rules of the Education Game for Educators

By Frances Parker

 

A retired principal, I worked many years as an award-winning, urban, public school educator at elementary, middle, and high school levels in various teaching and administrative positions.

             
1. Be a standing ovation for students.

Low self-esteem, ignorance, and deferred dreams stalk many students. Commit to being an advocate for all students. Applaud their successes, no matter how small.

2. Cultivate cast-iron confidence.

Consciously nurture yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Have an open mind, but believe in yourself. Set high standards. Let others help you implement your vision.

3. Know your piece in the puzzle.

Protocol is very important. Adherence to rules of professional etiquette should be routine. No matter how you perceive people, respect their positions, particularly in terms of how their positions relate to yours.

4. Remember why you’re in the kitchen.

You’re in the kitchen because you can take the heat. Nobody who understands education said it would be easy. Study your area of expertise. Keep up with educational trends. Familiarize yourself with every available resource. Take risks. Take the heat.

5. Let bruises fade.

Pick your battles wisely. Prioritize your concerns. Don’t waste time and energy struggling with something of little consequence. Deep wounds come soon enough.

6. Step in stuff you can wipe off.

Make promises you are committed to keep. Your reputation will often precede you. Be careful about burning bridges that can be costly in your future. Feelings are fine, but don’t let them dictate your behavior.

7. Work your workplace politics.

Workplace politics involving power and human interactions is a reality. Be aware of how others behave and with whom. Keep your standards high and avoid unnecessary conflict. You’ll learn most when you read, observe, listen, network, and analyze. Monitor what you say and to whom you say it. All decisions have consequences. Making no decision is a decision.

8. Tell time with your heart.

Live in the now. Really try to understand the other person’s point of view. Everybody has baggage. Be fair, firm, and consistent. Apologize when you’re wrong. Be aware of a moral boundary you refuse to cross.

9. Pick up a turtle.

If you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know somebody helped to put it there. Be on the lookout for turtles aiming for fence posts. You were picked up many times. Now it’s your turn.

10. Expect rainbow smiles.

Rainbow smiles hug you so tightly, you can feel ribs of joy press against your essence. Education is a wonderful profession. Every day brings opportunities for you to positively impact lives. And when you do, rainbow smiles will come.

© Frances Shani Parker, http://www.francesshaniparker.com/



Frances Shani Parker, Author 
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers. A chapter on school-nursing home partnerships and service-learning is included.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Organ Donations, Considerations (Video 1:34)

Would you consider donating parts of your body to help others after you have died? People have interesting ideas, both religious and non-religious about this process. In terms of religion, some say they wouldn’t donate their organs because their bodies would not be complete in the afterlife or on Judgment Day when they returned. Reasons may also be cultural. Thousands are waiting for organ transplant donations, but the donations fall short, with many dying before they receive an organ. Everyone can't be a donor, but each donor can save up to eight lives by donating eight different organs. Kidney donation, the most common form of donation, can be done while the donor is alive because only one kidney is needed to survive.

Family members also have concerns as they grieve before and after the death of a loved one being considered as an organ donor. On a positive note, however, there are several matters that make choosing to be a donor a good decision. Families who view organ donation as a means for the loved one to live on in another person may find the ordeal comforting knowing something positive resulting from their loss. Most understand that their loved one has already died before they were approached for consent.

While many have a satisfying experience participating in the organ donor process, some have troubling concerns that can impact them negatively over time if they are not resolved. Healthcare workers have to be especially sensitive to those involved with organ donations both before and after the loved one’s death in terms of support and grief management.

You can sign up here for U.S. government organ donation in your state.

People are not the only ones impacted by organ donations of a loved one. The following video illustrates the loving bond between a man and a dog.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Marijuana Use Among Older Adult Seniors (Research, Video 7:18)

What’s the drug of choice for older adults these days? You are right if you said it is different forms of marijuana.Their reasons for using it are often health-related. If you are wondering how seniors can become so informed about marijuana while living at home or in senior communities, you probably still think senior field trips are only to movies, landmarks, and popular restaurants. Nowadays seniors can go on field trips to local marijuana dispensaries.

More states are legalizing marijuana for medical or recreational use. What better way to learn cannabis lessons than shopping for products while getting high with friends who may or may not be easing their pain from chronic illnesses. The dynamics and effects of marijuana use on personal, social, and health outcomes among older adults definitely deserve our attention. Fortunately, that analysis can be done through research.

This research study examined older adults and marijuana use. A literature search using very reputable sources resulted in 18 articles reporting these results:

1) The greatest increase in marijuana use was observed among those in the older adult population 50 years or older.

2) Those 65 years or older had the greatest increase in marijuana use in the older adult population.

3) Common connections with marijuana use among older adults included being male, being unmarried, having multiple chronic diseases, having psychological stress, and using other substances such as alcohol, tobacco, other illicit drugs, and prescription drugs.

This research basically concluded that the increased use of marijuana in older populations requires more observation and research to better understand how it should be used in terms of side effects, prescription interactions, and possible addictions to avoid negative health outcomes. In addition, patients’ doctors should be informed of alternative treatments, and users should be informed about local and federal legalities.

In the meantime, while we wait for research to provide more assurances, join us on a field trip with some lively Seattle, Washington nursing home residents to a marijuana dispensary. In this video, you can learn more about marijuana products and treatments, listen to comments from active users, and draw your own conclusions.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Nurse Staff Shortage (Video 3:27)

The context of patient care has everything to do with patients’ quality of life. Staff shortages play a major role in that context of care. Whether at home or in institutions, that context includes policy makers, staff, equipment, race, and location. That context also includes me, and that’s why I advocate for patients.

In my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes, I refer to the ongoing healthcare staff shortages I experienced in my role as a hospice volunteer in urban nursing homes: “Sometimes a shortage in staff had harmful consequences for residents. This included being left in unchanged beds, not being fully clean, and not being assisted when help was required for eating. Some residents tried to feed themselves using their hands when they couldn’t see their eating utensils. Residents waiting for help sometimes stared at their food while it turned cold. Those with depression or dementia often had little interest in food. They needed someone to motivate them throughout the meal.”

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the US nursing field will have more than one million vacancies by 2022. Healthcare providers in various healthcare environments nowadays are looking ahead to an increased need for nurses as the population ages. But it's not just new nurses that are needed. Seasoned nurses will be in short supply as well and in high demand. Even though the nationwide nursing shortage is increasing, schools across the country are turning away qualified applicants due to a shortage in nurse educators to teach nurses. This video shares more information:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Person-Centered Death Rituals (Video 2:16)

“Rest in peace” is a common wish for those who are deceased. But this short sentence can encompass a lot when viewed from a person-centered perspective. Nowadays, peace can simply mean having a death ritual that reflects what you really want at a personal level when you celebrate your transition with family and friends.

Through the years, death rituals, including “homegoings” celebrating the "going home" of the deceased to life after death, have evolved to new heights with awe-inspiring audio and visual displays. They may include varieties of themes that showcase unique characteristics about deceased loved ones, such as their favorite sports, animals, plants, and food that would make the deceased proud. For example, a golf lover might be memorialized with decorations, services, and food centered on a golf theme. Another example would be a coffin created to look like bacon while including bacon-scented air fresheners to remind mourners that the deceased was a serious bacon lover.

Locations and procedures for death rituals have also been revised. Drive-through funeral homes similar to banks with bulletproof glass provide the opportunity for mourners and the curious to drive by or walk up from the sidewalk, view the body resting in an open casket, and sign the guestbook.

Some say that all these modern death ritual innovations trivialize death and take away from the spirituality of the occasion. Others say they customize people's feelings and include the spirit of those who have been unfastened from this life. One thing many people agree on is that relatives and friends who die should be able to have person-centered, supportive, and caring end-of-life celebrations.

That is exactly what Miriam Burbank’s commemoration gathering showcased. If she had been alive, she probably would have had a great time at her New Orleans homegoing handled by Charbonnet funeral directors. Hosting her death ritual while propped up in a chair, Miriam sat at a table in all her empowered glory holding a beer and a cigarette in her lifeless hands. Her loving family members enjoyed a festive experience in her honor. They said they knew Miriam would have wanted her send-off to be done in the special way you can view in this video:

You can read about more person-centered funerals and death rituals here:
https://hospiceandnursinghomes.blogspot.com/2012/04/drive-through-funerals-bacon-coffins.html

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Dementia Mourning: Death of Spouse, Children (Research, Hospice Story)

Whether they live at home or in long-term care, people with dementia can have the experience of losing a loved one through death. The deceased is often a spouse. Unfortunately, little is known about widows and widowers with dementia as they may find it hard to explain their perceptions and feelings to others accurately because of cognitive impairment. That is why this particular research study was done.

Seven family caregivers and six professional caregivers from daycare centers were interviewed. An analysis of their responses was used to identify mourning behaviors of people with dementia. The following revelations resulted:

1) In the mourning process of people with dementia, different behaviors were found according to dementia stages and different circumstances.

2) People with dementia could remember their spouse's death. It took one year to be able to perceive their spouse's death and more time to store it. They did not always discern a spouse's death throughout the process.

3) People with dementia followed a different mourning process from conventional ones.

In the care of widows and widowers with dementia it is crucial to adjust circumstances to allow people with dementia to guess reality. Further studies are needed to clarify differences between the mourning process of people with dementia and that of intact older people without dementia.

Healthcare workers and volunteers are often in positions where we can provide grief support for patients. Residents in long-term care are often told about a death, even though they may be confused about who died. They may need reassurances that they will still have others to care for them. This true story shares how Mamie, one of my hospice patients who had dementia, dealt with her grief in an interesting manner.

“Is your mother alive?” Mamie asked me one day.

“No, she died a few years ago in her eighties,” I responded.

“You know, you can still be with her and talk to her if you want to.”

“Oh, I know we can still communicate.”

“No, I mean for real. You can be with her in person. Just get her clothes together and her shoes. Don’t forget her coat. They say it’s cold outside. Take them to the cemetery where she’s buried. Just set them on top of her grave and wait. She’ll rise out of her grave and put them on. Then you can take her home with you. In every way, she’ll be the same person you knew. Other people won’t be able to see her, but you will.”

“Hmm. I’ve never heard that before.”

“Most people haven’t. I know about it because I did it with my two grown sons. They were both murdered on the same day in a drive-by shooting. I didn’t know how I would get through the pain. Finally, I took their clothes to the cemetery and did what I just told you. Both of them came home with me. It was the best day of my life. I got my sons back.” Satisfied, she smiled.

Some people will dismiss this story as bizarre ranting of a woman with dementia. But, if you really listen with your heart, you’ll hear the magnificent empowerment in her words.

Story Excerpt from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Dead Right Life Journey in 10 Steps

Becoming dead right is a journey that begins when your life starts. Death will come when it comes, no matter how often the topic is avoided, how forcefully technology wrestles it to the ground, or how sincerely pleas for more earthly time are requested. Accepting the certainty of death can be so much easier when it’s approached like any other important life event. By following a workable plan while living, comforting closure can be achieved when that ultimate destination is reached. Consider these 10 steps featuring scenic routes on your dead right journey:

10 Steps to Becoming Dead Right

1. Accept death as part of life.

Death will come to everyone. Empower yourself by dealing with this reality.

2. Listen to the Universe.

Some say it’s the Universe. Many use God, Higher Power, or other names. If you believe you are part of an infinite enlightenment, be still and listen.

3. Expect rainbow smiles.

Rainbow smiles are joyous, healing, memorable moments that come more often when anticipated.

4. Live a healthy lifestyle.

Practice habits of healthy living in all areas of your life.

5. Be informed and proactive.

Keep abreast of what’s happening in life. When circumstances arise that can benefit from your input, apply what you know.

6. Do your best.

You can’t solve every problem or be everything to everybody. Do what you can.

7. Give service to others.

Complement others by fulfilling needs through service. Both server and recipient benefit from this win-win partnership.

8. Be grateful for blessings.

Blessings come like wondrous celebrations held in your honor. Let appreciation reign!

9. Put death wishes in writing.

Fulfillment of your end-of-life wishes will often depend on what you discuss and record now. Get medical, financial, and property decisions in order.

10. Have a dignified death journey.

Breathe in your final phase of life with contentment. Experience a dying process that brings beauty and calm to your personal letting go.

© Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice Volunteers: Different Kinds (Video 1:52)

I have come to the conclusion that most people think all hospice volunteers do bedside service for people who are dying. While they say they admire what hospice volunteers do, they often add they couldn’t do that kind of work themselves. That’s probably because they don’t know that there are other ways they can provide admirable hospice service themselves that would be more appropriate for their personal comfort zones.

Becoming a hospice volunteer required that I take several classes. My classes consisted of a dozen students from varied backgrounds. All of us were eager to learn what hospice entailed and what our future responsibilities might be. I learned the basics in how to support patients and their families and felt comfortable making a commitment to serving patients in inner-city Detroit nursing homes, instead of private homes. I thrived in that environment.

But a few months later, I noticed a member of my former training class working at the front desk of the hospice organization. When I asked her why she was working there, she explained that she had been unhappy working directly with terminally ill patients. She especially didn’t like working in nursing homes, but service in private homes was also not attractive. When she mentioned her concerns to the hospice coordinator, she was given other service options. Those options included involvement with office work, community outreach, and fundraising. She chose office work and said she felt fulfilled and productive supporting hospice in this manner. She especially liked communicating with visitors.

Ultimately, we had both found our respective niches where we could make our best contributions as volunteers. I encourage anyone considering hospice volunteering to keep in mind that there are various ways to serve. Hospice organizations in your local area can give you a variety of options from which to choose when you contact them. They could not function without the dedicated services of volunteers and the diverse talents they bring.

In the following video, Hospice of the Red River Valley in North Dakota is an example of a hospice organization that showcases volunteer roles for many.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Amputee Outruns Hospice Marathons (“World Champion" Poem)

Skoney, a diabetic amputee who was also mute and partially blind, epitomized “down, but not out.” My hospice volunteer experiences with him at the nursing home inspired me to write “World Champion,” a poem about his long-distance death journey. Although Skoney endured several close calls with death, he repeatedly overcame them until he eventually died one day. Observers couldn’t understand why he didn't give up sooner. Didn’t he know that death would make him free? Because he had no legs and was such a determined survivor, I viewed him as an Olympic marathon runner.

                 World Champion

                 Your bedridden body

                 wins survival marathons,

                 breaks records in life's

                 Olympic Games.

                 I touch your skeletal chest,

                 feel spirit of an aging heart

                 that outruns the Grim Reaper

                 in back-to-back wins.

                Some pity your amputated legs,

                anguished moans, unexpected

                comebacks when death

                competes with bare existence.

                No one claps or cheers

                for your personal-best pace

                toward the final race

                when you clear each hurdle.

               They don't understand

               why you won't give up

               when you defend each challenge

               to clock more blocks of time.

               Your laps for life press onward

               as you struggle to the finish,

               grin like a world champion

               each time you grab the gold.

               © Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog