Holiday Coping With Grief: Bereavement Support After a Loved One Dies (Hospice Video 2:27)

Some people dread the holidays. They view them as slices of life that bring painful reminders of losing a loved one. They associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places that are incomplete and no longer fulfilling. These bereavement suggestions offer support for those coping with grief during the holidays:

Excerpt from “Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

"Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

In this Hospice of the Florida Suncoast video titled “Hospice Care and Grief Counseling: Coping With Holidays After a Loved One's Death,” Sandi Sunter shares more suggestions for coping with holiday grief.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Holiday Grief Support (Video Poem 4:00 mins.)

The holidays can be a troubling time for many who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Through the years, people associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places. These suggestions offer bereavement support for those dealing with grief during the holidays:

Excerpt from "Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

"Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

This video by TheLightBeyond.com offers bereavement support based on the sympathy poem “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.” The poem comforts with thoughts that the deceased loved one is reflected in nature.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

My Nursing Home Patient Leaves Hospice Care

Whenever I speak to groups and mention that one of my patients was released from hospice care, audience members seem surprised. This usually happens when I tell Raynell’s story. Raynell, my diabetic hospice patient with dementia, shared a room with four other patients at the nursing home. Her roommates included an imaginary admirer named Robert, whom she loved like the devil loves holy water. Conversing with Raynell required that I drop to the floor periodically and search for Robert under her bed. This was preceded by her screaming, “Get him! He’s going under the bed!” after he (affectionately?) pinched her tingling diabetic legs. But one day, she surprised me with talk about leaving hospice care and the nursing home:

Excerpt from "Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

Raynell requested my help by saying, “I was wondering if you could help me find another apartment. I’ve been thinking about looking for a new place to stay, maybe a place closer to where I used to live. This apartment building is too noisy. Just close your eyes and listen to all the talking, buzzers, and everything. People come into my place without even knocking. They just walk right in and go through my closet and drawers. It’s not right. Three ladies even moved in with me when I wasn’t looking. Now, I can’t get them out.”

“Whoa! That’s a surprise! I didn’t know you wanted to leave here. Are you sure moving is the best thing to do while you’re not feeling well?”

“Lately, I’m feeling much better. I need a change. Even Robert had to leave, so you know it’s bad. But I’m very glad about that. He’s gone to live in California. I don’t think he’ll be coming back again.”

“A lot sure has happened since I visited you last week. You never said you wanted to move before or that the other people who live here bothered you so much. All this really shocks me.”

I thought about this interesting conversation a while. It was the first time Raynell ever mentioned moving to an apartment and, even more astonishing, the first time she ever said Robert wasn’t hiding under her bed. Two weeks later, she was released from hospice care because her health really had improved. She moved to another nursing home near her son’s house. I guess Robert knew his time was almost up and decided to leave before he got left.

© Frances Shani Parker

Yes, it’s rare, but patients are released from hospice care. Some die within months of leaving, and some live at home or remain in nursing homes. Consider that with various diseases causing the need for hospice care, it is difficult to predict someone’s death with accuracy. Also, receiving quality healthcare and support from others can improve a patient's health. And when an imaginary admirer named Robert knows it’s time to leave, the patient may be moving in that direction, too.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Video Poem: “Living Colors” (Nursing Home, Staff Shortage, Poor Vision, Alzheimer’s Disease, Hospice) 2:56 mins.

“Living Colors” is one of sixteen original poems included at the end of each chapter of "Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes.” With poems, stories, and general information, "Becoming Dead Right" explores urban nursing homes, hospice care, caregiving, dementia, death preparations, and bereavement. Strategies for improving eldercare and nursing homes are examined.

This poem was inspired by one of my hospice patients who had Alzheimer’s disease and poor eyesight. More sight problems could be corrected in nursing homes if residents received vision care regularly. My patient needed assistance to eat, but there was a staff shortage that day. Staff shortages in nursing homes negatively impact patients across the country. Using her fingers, she started feeding herself. I arrived to find her with food smeared around her mouth. After wondering what that experience might have been like for her, I wrote this poem:

Living Colors



Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Hispanics: Caregiving and Diabetes Research (Video 1:49 mins.)

As a hospice volunteer in Detroit nursing homes, it was not unusual for me to have regular contact with patients who had dementia. One patient named Raynell (pseudonym) is particularly memorable because she had both dementia and diabetes. This excerpt from my book “Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes,” describes how she attributes her diabetic symptoms of tingling and numbness in her legs to an imaginary man named Robert who was in love with her.

“Robert was an imaginary man who passionately loved Raynell, my eighty-year-old hospice patient. It could be said that he shared a room with Raynell and her three roommates. His presence demanded my attention many days when I went there to visit her. He stole sweetness from the moment by repeatedly pinching Raynell’s stout legs. He made her feet rise by pushing up her mattress. Strategically positioned near the foot of her bed, he escaped under it quite easily. That’s how Raynell explained the turmoil he caused her. I pulled up a chair in her world each week and made myself at home. While I respected her condition, often letting her take the lead in our discussions, I always remained mindful of my role as volunteer.“

© Frances Shani Parker

“Medical News Today” reports results of a study released by the United Health Group's Evercare® organization and the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) with these results:

1) In America, more than one third of Hispanic households (36 percent) have at least one family member caring for an older loved one. This is a larger percentage than other U.S. households.

2) More than four in 10 Hispanic caregivers (41 percent) have changed their work situation either by cutting back on hours, changing jobs, stopping work entirely, or taking a leave of absence. This is compared to 29 percent among non-Hispanic caregivers.

3) Most Hispanic caregivers are taking care of loved ones with diabetes, including 23 percent of loved ones with a form of dementia.
A 2007 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention national examination survey indicated that Mexican Americans are twice as likely as non-Hispanic whites to be diagnosed with diabetes and 50 percent more likely to die from diabetes as non-Hispanic whites

4) Reasons for Hispanic caregivng included family obligation (84%) and religion (93%).

This video titled “UMTV Latinos Living With Diabetes” showcases the Institute of Minority Health Education and Research founded by Patty Larraga.


Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Bereavement Support: Holiday Grief (Video Poem 4:00 mins.)

The holidays can be a troubling time for many who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Through the years, people associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places. My book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes includes these suggestions for dealing with grief during the holidays:

“Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

© Frances Shani Parker

This video by TheLightBeyond.com offers bereavement support based on the sympathy poem “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.” The poem comforts with thoughts that the deceased loved one is reflected in nature.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice and Nursing Home Christmas Story

Have you ever celebrated Christmas in May? A hospice volunteer in Detroit nursing homes, I shared a wonderful Christmas in May experience with one of my patients. Sometimes patients needed me to help them solve problems. One day, Inez and I had an especially great visit. I had been thinking about how to find a key for a music box her niece had given her for Christmas. She loved that music box and liked to have it on display, so she would have a good excuse to talk about it. She had never heard it play because the key was missing when she received it. She said her niece had tried to find a key, but with no success.

The music box was a lovely piece of handiwork. A wooden base supported a clear glass container. Inside the container lay a beautiful butterfly resting on a small floral bouquet. Underneath the box was a hidden switch that made the seasonal display enchant with spurts of brightness. Inez, my ninety-two year old patient, said that she often sat and watched the softly glowing scene blink on and off. One night, she and I quietly watched it together. That's when I realized how much this silent little music maker meant to her. Unfortunately, neither of us knew what song it was supposed to play. We imagined the Christmas song we thought it should play and hoped one day we could solve the mystery.

Getting the music box to play became my project, but I knew I would need some help. The next day, I explained the problem to Burton, a teacher at my school. He decided to become a part of the solution by checking out some stores that might have the missing key. It sounded like the search for Cinderella's shoe. After looking for two weeks, Burton finally found a matching key at a large toy store. The sales lady was so touched by his story about Inez's "musicless" box that she gave him the key free of charge. We couldn't believe our good fortune, which became Inez's thrill maker.

In the second week of May with spring showing off nature's fashion makeover from winter, Inez heard her cherished music box play for the very first time. She picked it up gently and carefully placed it near her hearing aid. The song we had wondered about for months, the song that had driven us to discover its name finally played the sweetest version of "Joy to the World." Just hearing the music box fulfill its purpose felt like a miracle. Inez grinned widely, thanked me, and told me to thank the nice man who found the missing key that made her music box come alive.

The mystery had been solved, and Inez was ecstatic. I thought nothing else that day could outdo the pleasure of hearing the music box play, but I was wrong. After Inez set her mechanical miracle on the window sill, so we could admire it playing and revolving, something wonderful occurred that surprised us both: The brightly colored butterfly started moving, slowing creeping up to the opening red flower. Inez and I gave each other eerie "Twilight Zone" looks. Then we shared rainbow smiles about the joy in our own little world.

© Frances Shani Parker (excerpt from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Home)

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice Workers and Death Rituals

This post includes an excerpt from my book "Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes.” In a chapter titled “Death Sentences,” I relate the fascinating end-of-life journey of my patient named Lelia. The afterlife is referred to as the Other Side of Through. Because Lelia had very little family support, the hospice chaplain organized her death ritual, which concluded in this manner:

“Our humble circle stood in the front yard of a Detroit nursing home to perform our final death ritual for Lelia. People riding by in cars on a busy street observed a lively group of ecstatic mourners looking upward, enthusiastically singing “Going to Shout All Over God’s Heaven.” Passionate voices resonated like rockets. We released our buoyant balls of bliss floating in a hurry to get somewhere. I imagined Lelia looking on, bobbing her head to the gospel beat. She grinned her toothless rainbow smile that colored our hearts with joy from the Other Side of Through when we all yelled, “Bye, Lelia! Have yourself a good time!”

© Frances Shani Parker

I have been present at several death rituals of hospice patients. As a hospice volunteer in a nursing home, I don’t often see many of my patients’ relatives and friends until the ritual is held. The closure that takes place is often viewed as a final expression of care for relatives and friends of the deceased. However, research by the Orvis School of Nursing at the University of Nevada shows that hospice workers also benefit from such rituals. Not only do the rituals provide closure and an outlet for their grief, they also decrease the risk of burnout and compassion fatigue that hospice workers can experience.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Hospice Volunteer and Nursing Home Poem: Staff Shortage ("Living Colors")

My book "Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes” includes an original poem after each chapter (16).

A previous post dealt with the widespread vision problems of residents in nursing homes and the negative impact poor eyesight has in patients’ lives. Many of these vision problems could be corrected if residents regularly received basic eye care.

This poem was inspired by one of my elderly hospice patients who had dementia and poor eyesight. She needed assistance to eat, but there was a staff shortage at the nursing home that day. Using her fingers, she started feeding herself. I arrived to find her with food smeared around her mouth. After wondering what that experience might have been like for her, I wrote this poem:

Living Colors

A nursing home room
serves as your dining place.
Colors on a supper plate
charm century-old eyes.
Green, brown, white form
an aromatic rainbow
of bygone days that nourish,
thrill you with their stories.

When no one helps you eat,
you reach with forklike fingers.
Green tastes like memories
of grass tickling childhood toes.
Taste buds savor brownness
of a mahogany man who
hungered for your love.
Handfuls of August clouds
whisk you to a picnic,
hint at mashed potatoes.

A volunteer, I arrive to see
your smile smeared with dreams.
Each morsel of remembrance
has fed your starving mind.
Anchored in reality of meals
with special meanings,
your appetite is satisfied
with colors from the past.

© Frances Shani Parker


You can hear me read "Living Colors" with graphics on YouTube.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”