Home Funeral (Video 4:17)

Participation in death-ritual arrangements at home was therapeutic years ago and can still provide supportive closure and comfort. After a death took place, the body of the deceased was prepared at home for viewing. Mourners came to pay their respects, console the family, and offer other forms of assistance. The family appreciated this outpouring of support from the community. After the funeral, the body was buried.

Returning to past traditions such as home funerals is another death ritual option that can be considered by families when a loved one dies. Saying final goodbyes may be more appropriate for them in a death ritual celebrated at home. Most states allow home funerals as long as legal documentation related to claiming the body and arrangements for burial or cremation are handled appropriately.

For those who feel the need for more assistance, a home funeral can be done with help from a funeral home providing a la carte services such as transporting the body to a cemetery. In addition to saving thousands of dollars, some families want to have more control over how the deceased is cared for after death. Many people view a personalized home funeral as an extension of hospice care they provided a loved one at home.

This video titled Home Funerals is an introduction to the dignified death ritual process creating an alternative for family and friends to unfasten their earthly connections with loved ones who die. Comments are especially welcome from those who have participated in home funerals.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers. 
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Informal Bereavement-Grief Rituals After the Death Ritual (Research, Video 3:46)

The donation of bodies to medical science anatomy programs is a significant end-of-life legacy. In addition to enhancing research, donated bodies offer training opportunities that ultimately benefit public health. People who say they are donating their bodies are often asked,  “Why donate your body? Don’t you want a funeral, memorial service, or something?” A common belief is that bodies donated to anatomy programs are dissected, studied, and then “disposed of” in an uncertain manner. The assumption may be that the entire procedure is strictly medical and scientific with few displays of gratitude for the donations and certainly no death rituals of respect for families or persons whose bodies are donated.

What are some death ritual options available for those who want to donate their bodies to an anatomy program? If funeral services are desired with the body present, the family can contact the funeral home and make arrangements with the anatomy program before funeral preparations are made. Another possibility is to have a memorial service without the donor’s body present.

But a little known fact is that a number of U.S. anatomy programs hold memorial ceremonies of gratitude honoring body donors. These final tributes to human lives are usually planned by students and faculty and include invited guests. Various U.S. anatomy programs hold nondenominational memorial services that include theme celebrations with expressions of speech, music, poetry, essays, visual art, and dance.

Those interested in donating their bodies to anatomy programs should contact the organizations that interest them and request information. Some have websites explaining their procedures. A list of common questions and answers about the body bequest program at Wayne State University School of Medicine in Detroit, MI can be viewed. Some answers may be surprising. For example, age is not a consideration for body donation, but there are other factors such as not having major organs removed. Also, if the family wishes to have the cremains returned for burial, the University, if requested at the time of death, will return the ashes to the family.

The following video features a cadaver memorial service with more than 300 in attendance. It is presented as part of a long-standing tradition by first-year medical students at the University of North Carolina (UNC) School of Medicine.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Death Ritual: Funeral Celebrating Detroit Unclaimed Dead

                                                         

Rest in peace.

On this third Wednesday of the month, I join with eight others at a Detroit funeral home. We are here to pay our respects to 28 deceased people who are both strangers and new friends to us. Our purpose is to provide a final send-off to celebrate their lives. For various reasons such as abandonment at the Wayne County morgue and hospitals or families not providing a funeral, these spirits of adults, children, and “little angels who died without taking a breath” have found their way to Perry Funeral Home in Detroit, Michigan.

This monthly ritual started about three years ago by a man who says he was driving in his car while listening to the radio one day and heard about unclaimed bodies stacking up in cold storage behind the morgue. Concerned about this increasing problem, he contacted the coroner who directed him to Perry Funeral Home where bodies were being sent for burial. Eventually, Perry Funeral Home made arrangements for members of St. Christopher and St. Paul Episcopal Church to become involved. They started the Celebration of Friends memorial services to bring formal closure to the lives of those with no other means of having this observance. Everyone is welcome to attend the rituals.

Various church members and others assist with activities during the service supporting funeral home services. Preparations include printed programs, American flags, candles, and beautiful white roses representing each deceased honoree. Roses are distributed to participants at the end of the service. Attendees are encouraged to give them to others to pray in honor of the deceased.

I sense something powerful in the room when each departed person’s earthly existence is acknowledged with an oral reading stating name (if known), date of birth, and death. Our sincere and enthusiastic response of “May he/she rest in peace” feels empowering, knowing our presence serves as testimony to their lives and our hopes for their future peace. We settle into satisfied and sing in celebration of this momentous occasion. Each one of our new friends has been claimed.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes (paperback, e-book)

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Home Funerals: An Introduction (Video 4:17)

Many years ago, death rituals in America were a continuation of the family’s natural involvement with the deceased at home. Even today, some people view them as extensions of the hospice philosophy. After a death took place, the body of the deceased was prepared at home for viewing. Mourners came to pay their respects, console the family, and offer other forms of assistance. The family appreciated this outpouring of support from the community. After the funeral, the body was buried.

Involvement with death-ritual arrangements was and still is therapeutic. In addition to saving thousands of dollars, some families want to have more control over how the deceased loved one’s life is celebrated and cared for after death. Having a personalized home funeral is an option they embrace. Most states allow home funerals as long as legal documentation related to claiming the body and arrangements for burial or cremation are handled appropriately. Some families work with funeral homes on these matters.

This video titled “Home Funerals” is an introduction to this dignified death ritual, another alternative for family and friends to unfasten their earthly connections with loved ones who die. Comments are especially welcome from those who have participated in home funerals.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Hospice Chaplain Planned Detroit Nursing Home Memorial Service

The need to honor the deceased in an atmosphere of healing and support from others has been a common manner for mourning the dead. But sometimes people die without family and friends available to handle funeral or memorial services that recognize, honor, and bring closure to death. Such was the case with my hospice patient named Lelia, whose memorial service was planned by the hospice chaplain:

Excerpt from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

A small group gathered in the recreation room at the nursing home. Most people present were other patients who knew Lelia. Essie, Lelia’s sister, came with a friend named Nola. The hospice chaplain opened the memorial ceremony with a prayer and a reading. Taking turns, we shared our memories of Lelia. Some comments were hilarious, while others revealed Lelia’s demons. We all discovered new layers of Lelia that came together in a mental mural of colorful qualities.

Essie spoke last, “I’m sitting here in shock listening to what you all said about my sister. I can’t believe we knew the same person. The Lelia I knew hardly ever said anything funny, and she sure wasn’t thoughtful, at least not to me. Even when I helped her get into this nursing home, she still acted like she hated me. She was grouchy and liked to criticize people all the time. Nobody was really close to her. To tell you the truth, nobody in our family was close to anybody else in the family. There was just too much drama going on all the time. That’s why I’m the only one here. I started not to come myself, but now I’m glad I did. I learned something new today. I feel better about Lelia after hearing your stories.”

Although the chaplain hadn’t known in advance how many would attend the ceremony, she had brought twelve helium balloons, the exact number needed for each person present to have a balloon to release later. Like colorful hula dancers swaying from strings tied to a chair, the balloons added a festive energy to Lelia’s homegoing. Riding down with the group on the elevator, Nola mentioned that she and Essie were both singers. We all agreed they should lead us in song when the balloons were released during our tribute to Lelia.

Our humble circle stood in the front yard of a Detroit nursing home to perform our final death ritual for Lelia. People riding by in cars on a busy street observed a lively group of ecstatic mourners looking upward, enthusiastically singing “Going to Shout All Over God’s Heaven.” Passionate voices resonated like rockets. We released our buoyant balls of bliss floating in a hurry to get somewhere. I imagined Lelia looking on, bobbing her head to the gospel beat. She grinned her toothless rainbow smile that colored our hearts with joy from the Other Side of Through when we all yelled, “Bye, Lelia! Have yourself a good time!”

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Muslim Purification Death Ritual

The crescent moon and star symbolize the Muslim faith.

In my last post, I talked about embalming and preparing the body of the deceased for the wake, funeral, and burial. This excerpt from my book “Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes” describes the death ritual preparation experience of a friend of mine whose husband was a Muslim. No embalmment and make-up were used. The body was washed, covered, and buried as soon as possible. I write this with respect for Melvin and in my continuing efforts to inform others of the many facets surrounding death.

“Muslims wash the body of the deceased during a special purification ritual. My friend Carolyn, who is not a Muslim, participated in the washing of her Muslim husband’s body and received great comfort through her involvement. I asked her about her participation in this moving death ritual.

She explained, “The Imam, a Muslim leader, mentioned that three adults, including a spouse, could wash the body of the deceased during a ritual that prepares the loved one for being with Allah. He asked if I wanted to go to the funeral home and be a participant in washing Melvin, my deceased husband. I welcomed this opportunity. I knew Melvin would have wanted me to be actively involved.

In a private room at the funeral home, I used soap and water to clean Melvin’s upper body, while the Imam and another gentleman washed his lower body. During the washing process, I spoke tenderly to Melvin. I told him how wonderful he looked and how much I loved him. Even though he was dead, he wore the most beautiful smile. I knew he heard every word I said. The room was very quiet and serene. After three complete body washings, Melvin’s body was dried, oiled, and wrapped in two pieces of plain white cloth. A final covering displayed writings of the Holy Quran.

“How did you feel about your role during this ritual and afterward?” I inquired.

“What I felt most while washing Melvin was an inner sense of calm. I knew his wishes were being carried out, not only with that ritual, but with all the Muslim rituals related to his death. As I washed him, I knew he was at peace. I remembered how bad his pain had been sometimes before he died. He had prayed aloud to Allah to have mercy on him during his suffering. I felt relief knowing his distress was over. I appreciated the respect he was given. Washing Melvin’s body was a blessing that helped me in my healing.”

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many online and offline booksellers in America and other countries and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble online stores.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog