Poem About Loneliness in Older Adults/ Seniors

                                         
She waited, grasping like a New Year's resolution...

Festive holidays have brought cherished opportunities for many older adults to enjoy some visitors they seldom see during most of the year. Whether at home or in institutions, loneliness can be both difficult and dangerous for their overall health. Too many of them endure the negative impact of loneliness daily.

“Missing” is one of sixteen original poems at the end of each chapter in Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. A hospice volunteer, I wrote it after witnessing the sadness of lonely nursing home residents who were missing the missing. They coped with ongoing loneliness that could easily have been avoided with gifts of time. But some relatives and friends kept putting off visiting them until it was too late.

As this new year begins with resolutions for change, consider making every effort to visit those who are ill or alone. Don’t sentence them to another year of missing you.

Missing

She waited,

hoping her years of caring

endured in grown-up minds,

rested in distant hearts,

conveyed how much she missed them.

She waited,

living real-time movies

of restless nights, anxious days

with inhaled hopes of fellowship,

exhaled sighs of deep despair.

She waited,

wishing nostalgic winds

flowed through cotton curtains,

brought relatives and friends

she cherished through the years.

She waited,

grasping like a New Year's resolution,

like a second suspended in time

until her clock stopped ticking

for visitors who never came.

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Physician-Assisted Suicide: Interview with Dr. Jack Kevorkian (Research and Video 4:59 mins.)

Feb. 6: 1991: Physician-assisted suicide advocate Dr. Jack Kevorkian poses with his “suicide machine” in Michigan. (Northwestern University Library)

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, also referred to as Dr. Death, is best known for his public support of patients’ right to physician-assisted suicide. He admits to having participated in at least 130 suicides. After being tried in court several times and shown on national television deliberately causing a man to die, Kevorkian was ultimately convicted of second-degree murder. In prison, he served eight years of a 10-25-year sentence. His parole includes not helping anyone else die.

Dr. Kevorkian has been a very controversial public figure for many years. A popular HBO movie titled “You Don’t Know Jack” is based on his life. His ideas about euthanasia have important implications in discussions about end-of life care and medical ethics.

In a   research study done in Oregon,  where the Oregon Death with Dignity Act allows terminally ill patients to obtain physician aid in dying, it was reported that these persons were motivated by worries of “future physical discomfort and losses of autonomy and function.” Healthcare workers can help patients who have these concerns and express an interest in physician-assisted suicide by bolstering their sense of control, educating them, and reassuring them about managing future symptoms.

The following video includes CNN interviewer John Roberts and Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Discussion includes prison life, physician-assisted suicide, and Michael Jackson’s death.

Hospice-palliative volunteers bring a unique perspective to the ongoing debate about physician-assisted suicide. You can read their views here:

 https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/physician-assisted-suicide-hospice-palliative-views-parker?trk=mp-reader-card

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble Internet stores.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Massage for Caregivers of Terminally Ill Patients (Research, Video 3:35 mins.)

Many say that what caregivers need most is caregiving. Relatives caring for the terminally ill at home are particularly in need of support to improve their own quality of life. One form of nurturing for caregivers that reduces their levels of stress is soft tissue massage (hand or foot). This strategy has demonstrated beneficial results for caregiving relatives of patients receiving palliative home care.

In research reported in the “Journal of Clinical Nursing,” nineteen relatives received soft tissue massage nine times (25 minutes) in their homes. After all the sessions were completed, relatives participated in a tape-recorded interview about their massage experiences. They reported that the soft-tissue massages gave them feelings of being cared for, body vitality, and peace of mind. For a while, they experienced the freedom of being worry-free.

These positive results from having massages were experienced by all participants. Soft tissue massages can play an important role in palliative care by providing supplementary benefits in supporting caring relatives.

This video titled “Hand Massage Lesson by Health-Choices Massage School” demonstrates how a hand massage is done.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Sperm Retrieval From Terminally Ill or Recently Deceased Patients

Requests for sperm retrieval from terminally ill or recently deceased patients continue to increase along with controversy. Major reasons for this increase are the success and acceptance of techniques that assist reproduction such as in vitro fertilization. These requests are accompanied by several concerns regarding legal, ethical, and financial issues. Two areas of controversy involve consent for the retrieval of sperm and the validity of family consent. Obviously, family members and healthcare providers need some form of medical protocol to resolve the ongoing controversy that is not going away.

Some feel that men themselves, particularly those about to get married or enter into a similar relationship, can resolve problems related to consent by addressing retrieval of their sperm in advance in the same way a living will is handled. By documenting their wishes before a need occurs, sperm retrieval can take place during the terminal illness or recently after death. This research by the University of Maryland Medical Center examines sperm retrieval from terminally ill or recently deceased patients.

What do you think about this ongoing debate?

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Hospice Volunteer Book Review: Meeting the Death Monster in Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

In America, death is still a terminally ill taboo in great need of palliative-hospice care. Too many people avoid talking, hearing, writing, or reading about the end of life. As an author and consultant on hospice and eldercare, I have been told on several occasions that the topic is just too “depressing” or too “final.” Several months ago, this reluctance to deal with death visited a friendship. I had given a casual friend a copy of my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. Not knowing her feelings about death, I decided not to talk to her about the book unless she brought it up. Recently, she did. I’ll call her Alice.

Alice works in the healthcare profession, so I was somewhat surprised to discover that she feels strongly that death, a frightening stalker of her dreams, is her enemy. She shared that death has stolen too many of her loved ones, including pets. She helplessly dreads the thought of losing even more. My own acceptance of death, which comes across clearly in my conversations and writings, seems inappropriate to her. She finds my views too accepting of her enemy, too casual a regard for life. While she says she would consider hospice care along with other options, she admits she could never be even an average hospice volunteer.

What is her feedback regarding my book? She loves the patients’ stories and my comments about interacting with various people in the nursing home world. The original poetry, which concludes each chapter and probably nudges her own poetic abilities, pleases her. She finds the discussions on caregiving, dementia, death rituals, and bereavement informative. The explanations about school-nursing home partnerships and the ideal nursing home described in the chapter “Baby Boomer Haven” are particularly enjoyable. But she dislikes emphatically the premise that there is a “right” way to die.

I am not sure if her hostility toward death has changed much, but I hope that this book meeting with what she refers to as “the monster” has impacted her positively on some level. Those of us who embrace the topic of death will continue to be viewed with dismay by those who deal with mortality through avoidance and resignation of themselves and loved ones as victims of death’s malicious powers.

Alice’s revelations reinforce the importance of promoting death as a natural part of life that should be experienced with dignity by everyone. One person at a time, I believe conversations and writings enhance lives of the naysayers by slowly empowering them with death acceptance, even as they resist the message. I appreciate Alice’s frankness in sharing death’s painful presence in her life and in giving feedback on my book. Most of all, I commend her willingness to become a ball of courage rolling into the high weeds where the death monster lives.

You can read book endorsements, excerpts, and more here at my website.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Terminal Illness: A Mother’s Day Tribute (Video 5:07 mins.)

This post is dedicated to mothers everywhere, especially those who are living with or have died from a terminal illness. The accompanying video is by raindancer808, whose hometown is New Orleans, Louisiana. Honoring her mother with this Mother’s Day tribute, she writes:

“My Mom is in end stage Alzheimer's, and I wanted to do something special for her on this Mother's Day. Even though she will never see this video, it is my way of honoring her, and spreading the message that Alzheimer's is a cruel and fatal disease. For more information, please go to this Alzheimer's Web site."

Click here to view a Mother’s Day tribute.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice Volunteer Inmates in Louisiana Prison (Video 4:17 mins.)

When you think about prison, what usually comes to mind? You probably imagine depression, fear, violence, and razorwire fences. And you would be right, but not completely. One example of expressed compassion in prison is demonstrated in the caregiving of inmate hospice volunteers who serve terminally ill inmates.

These volunteers provide comfort that may be missing in the lives of some prisoners, especially those who no longer have attentive relationships beyond prison walls. Many serving life sentences, including some volunteers, know they will die in confinement. Nurturing support given by familiar faces of those who have also experienced the prison system can enhance prisoners’ quality of life during the dying process.

This video titled “Will Anybody Cry When I Die?” shows hospice inmates helping a fellow prisoner during his end-of-life journey at the Louisiana State Penitentiary in Angola, Louisiana. Later, they prepare and honor him with a death ritual. Watching this video, you might find yourself feeling distant from negative aspects commonly associated with prison life. You might be feeling the love.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

“The Bucket List” Movie: A Hospice Nursing Home Volunteer’s Review (Video Trailer 2:28 mins.)

All these years, we’ve joked about “kicking the bucket,” and now we learn there’s a list inside the bucket. “The Bucket List” is a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman as terminally ill cancer patients. They meet as strangers with seemingly nothing in common, except a hospital room they share. Gradually, they bond and commit to leaving the hospital in order to accomplish adventurous goals on their bucket list. Fortunately, Nicholson’s character is a billionaire who can foot the globetrotting bills. With only months to live, the two men forge a special friendship through laughter and tears. They savor some of life’s final thrills by skydiving, racing cars, and visiting world wonders.

That’s a summary of the movie I saw today while enjoying my “kiddie pack” refreshments. What the summary doesn't mention is that the movie nudges audiences into thoughts of personal end-of-life journeys, that it helps them unravel philosophical lessons they tend to ignore, that it attracts people in large numbers in spite of critics who pan it. There are those who snicker with condescension and label "The Bucket List” a feel-good movie about death and mortality. A hospice volunteer, I smile, just thinking what a compliment that is.

What’s on your bucket list?

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice in Prison: Inmate Volunteers (Video 4:17 mins.)

Hospice volunteering continues to evolve and diversify. In previous posts, I have explored hospice volunteers for pets and hospice volunteer medical students. How about prison inmates as hospice volunteers? It’s a great solution, particularly for an aging prison population. If a terminally ill patient is in prison, attentive caregiving can be especially beneficial when given by familiar faces of those who have also experienced the prison system.

A partnership between the McDougall-Walker Correctional Institution and Hospice and Palliative Care of Connecticut trains inmates who volunteer for hospice service. Participants learn how to implement the hospice philosophy by using supportive strategies with fellow inmates who are dying. Inmates who volunteer realize that they may die in prison one day and would want quality end-of-life care for themselves.

Tone, the first terminally ill inmate to benefit from the hospice volunteer program speaks favorably about the activities he shares with his volunteer. He appreciates not having to feel isolated at such a critical time in his life. If he is still alive after he has served his sentence, he will continue in hospice care outside the prison system with a new volunteer.

At a more recent blog post, you can read about and view a video showcasing hospice volunteer inmates at the Louisiana State Penitentiary.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice and Nursing Home Poem: "World Champion"

It occurred to me that I’ve never shared one of my hospice volunteer poems with you. A mute patient, whose legs were amputated due to severe diabetes, inspired me to write this poem. Although he endured several close calls with death, he repeatedly overcame them until he eventually died. Observers couldn’t understand why he didn't give up sooner. Because he had no legs and was such a determined survivor, I viewed him as an Olympic marathon runner.

World Champion

Your bedridden body
wins survival marathons,
breaks records in life's
Olympic Games.
I touch your skeletal chest,
feel spirit of an aging heart
that outruns the Grim Reaper
in back-to-back wins.

Some pity your amputated legs,
anguished moans, unexpected
comebacks when death
competes with bare existence.
No one claps or cheers
for your personal-best pace
toward the final race
when you clear each hurdle.

They don't understand
why you won't give up
when you defend each challenge
to clock more blocks of time.
Your laps for life press onward
as you struggle to the finish,
grin like a World Champion
each time you grab the gold.

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice and Nursing Home Writing: Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes (Loving Healing Press, Sept. 2007)

For those who enjoy writing, hospice work can be a great source of inspiration. I have always been fascinated by the written word and the impact it has on readers. As I became more involved with hospice volunteering in Detroit nursing homes, I found myself writing poetry and prose about my experiences.

During poetry readings at various venues, I noticed that people approached me often to discuss a loved one who had been terminally ill. They seemed relieved to talk to someone who was open to discussing illness and death. Most people avoid talking about these topics. With our aging, diverse population, there is an urgency for more conversations on end-of-life care.

“Write what you know” is a common saying, and that’s what I did. Becoming Dead Right includes true stories, poems, “how to” advice, general information, and insights resulting from my hospice volunteer experiences. While universal concerns are covered, the often-ignored perspectives of people of color are included in this tour guide for navigating death journeys.

Stringing thoughts together into written words can be challenging, pleasurable, and therapeutic. From places inside, words rise that affirm oneness with others, make sense of nonsense, and, hopefully, sweeten the world.

You can read a review of the book here.
You can listen to a podcast radio interview with me at www.AuthorsAudio.com.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice-Palliative Care and Music Therapy (Audio)

Think of all the ways music positively impacts your life. Perhaps it spurs you on during an aerobics class, makes you smile when it whisks you to another world, heals your spirit after emotional or physical turmoil. Because music can have many favorable effects, I incorporate it during my hospice volunteering.

For those patients who can communicate their preferences, I provide music for them. Sometimes we listen to the radio and comment on the artists or the lyrics. Other times, we listen to CD’s. When patients are not able to communicate verbally with me, I refer to their information forms for clues as to what they might like. For example, I might play an old-time gospel song for a patient whose religion is listed as Baptist. Patients’ nonverbal responses often express their feelings.

On a more structured and prescriptive level, music thanatology is the movement providing consolation to patients in the final stages of dying. This form of music therapy has become a part of many hospice programs. The bedside services, which are performed by music-thanatologist practitioners, provide serenity and enjoyment for patients. Harp and voice music are often used. During these vigils, patients hear music tailored to their specific needs. You can read more about this form of therapy and listen to examples of harp music being used to provide interior and exterior comfort for terminally ill patients at the NPR news Web site.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice and Palliative Care for the Homeless

Every urban city has them somewhere. Viewed too often as invisible humanity, they watch their cardboard requests for help filter through society’s windshields. Shivering in countless layers of clothing, they roam while preaching to unseen characters. They are homeless people who may or may not have lived in the past like any reader of this blog.

But what happens or should happen to millions of homeless people when they are terminally ill? Those with bodies racked with years of substance abuse can only last so long, especially when strong social supports and medical insurance are lacking. When each day is a struggle to meet basic needs, the odds of detailed planning of end-of-life care are slim.

“The Journal of the American Medical Association” discusses how to serve the terminally ill homeless population with these summary conclusions:

1) Needs of the homeless can best be met with a multidisciplinary team that addresses their complex needs.

2) Those who continue to abuse drugs must have frequent clinic visits, specific dosages of long-acting pain medications, and a written pain agreement.

3) Their end-of-life concerns must be discussed with them and documented.

4) Due to lack of finances, homes, and social supports, the homeless rarely receive inpatient hospice care. However, inpatient palliative care at hospitals can enhance the quality of their end-of-life experience.

Like everyone else, homeless people are entitled to all the benefits of dignified death journeys.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog