Ground Zero Poem: Hotel Room View

Photo By Frances Shani Parker

Like many others, I felt compelled to visit Ground Zero in New York City after the September 11, 2001 terrorists’ attacks on the World Trade Center. I requested a hotel room with a view overlooking the excavation. An aura of heartache permeated the air, while numerous memorial displays comforted those who sought healing. After taking this picture, I wrote these poetic reflections:

Ground Zero

Scattered images of causalities,

thousands of love notes

blanket a former battlefield.

Whispered memories,

flowered tributes coax

closure of doors left ajar by trauma.

From my hotel window, I watch               

the Ground Zero real-time movie

of a 21st century grave excavation

where the World Trade Center

stood and fell, a kindling target

for terrorists’ fires.

Hills with human remains

transport like treasures

to a Staten Island landfill.

Conveyor trucks beep

warning chants of danger

to a world in global doom denial.

I view the sixteen-acre hole

in the heart of a grieving nation,

listen to victims’ voices

share their haunting horror:

“We fought to live and love

trapped in a fatal inferno,

marooned in a tomb of ruins.

We nursed at the breast of fear

until our spirits were free.”

© 2002 Frances Shani Parker

From Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions at many booksellers in America and other countries.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Grief Support for Co-Workers and Classmates (Video 1:05)

Comforting co-workers and classmates who are struggling with grief symptoms is uncomfortable for many people. While they may have good intentions, they often lack confidence regarding what to say or do that will help mourners adjust to a loss. At the workplace and at school, many staff members and classmates may feel that only experts should handle grief support. Worried that they might cause hurt feelings, they may remain distant from those mourning. Holding back their support, however, can negatively impact their colleagues who are suffering.

Although counselors and others trained in grief management play an important role, colleagues can also make beneficial contributions. Workshops, meetings, and classes at the workplace and at schools should include time for sharing strategies everyone can incorporate to alleviate grief as a community representing individuals of the organization. Implementation of these strategies can help create workplace and school cultures where everyone feels inspired to support one another in whatever ways they can during times of grief.

Sandi Sunter, director of community development for the Hospice of the Florida Suncoast, offers suggestions for coping with a co-worker’s death 
in this video titled “Hospice Care & Grief Counseling: Dealing With a Co-Worker's Death.”

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many online and offline booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble online stores.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice Volunteers and Family Bereavement (Research, Video 5:41)

Even after patients have died, the impact of hospice volunteers continues. Volunteers can play an important role in the bereavement of family members and the ratings of their loved ones’ quality end-of-life care. A study at the Warren Alpert School of Medicine at Brown University highlights the importance of volunteers in bereaved family members’ higher overall satisfaction with hospice services.

Using an analysis of the number of volunteer hours used in direct patient care and the total number of patient days served, researchers surveyed 305 hospice programs (67% freestanding and 20.7% for profit). A total of 57,353 surveys were submitted. Hospice programs with the greatest usage of volunteers had higher overall ratings of quality care. These programs with higher use of volunteers per patient day were associated with bereaved family members’ reports that the hospice programs quality of care was excellent. Research results such as this confirm the major contributions hospice volunteers make in improving quality end-of-life-care and bereavement.

This video showcases The Community Hospice, the largest hospice program in New York and one of the nation’s largest non-profit hospice programs. Grief and bereavement programs there service everyone, regardless of whether the person who died was a hospice patient:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Holiday Coping With Grief: Bereavement Support After a Loved One Dies (Hospice Video 2:27)

Some people dread the holidays. They view them as slices of life that bring painful reminders of losing a loved one. They associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places that are incomplete and no longer fulfilling. These bereavement suggestions offer support for those coping with grief during the holidays:

Excerpt from “Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

"Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

In this Hospice of the Florida Suncoast video titled “Hospice Care and Grief Counseling: Coping With Holidays After a Loved One's Death,” Sandi Sunter shares more suggestions for coping with holiday grief.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Alzheimer’s Dementia Hospice Story: Coping With Grief

“She’ll rise out of her grave…”

This true story about a conversation with my hospice patient is one of many in my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes.

When Mamie Wilson became my hospice patient, she had several unusual qualities that made me wonder. At sixty-five with Alzheimer’s dementia, she was the youngest patient assigned to me after years of hospice volunteering. She had the same name as my grandmother, and I had her grandmother's name. When we made these discoveries during our first meeting, we took them as signs that we were destined to have a great patient-volunteer relationship. In time, I learned that the most unusual thing about Mamie was what she said.

“Is your mother alive?” Mamie asked me one day.

“No, she died a few years ago in her eighties,” I responded.

“You know, you can still be with her and talk to her if you want to.”

“Oh, I know we can still communicate.”

“No, I mean for real. You can be with her in person. Just get her clothes together and her shoes. Don’t forget her coat. They say it’s cold outside. Take them to the cemetery where she’s buried. Just set them on top of her grave and wait. She’ll rise out of her grave and put them on. Then you can take her home with you. In every way, she’ll be the same person you knew. Other people won’t be able to see her, but you will.”

“Hmm. I’ve never heard that before.”

“Most people haven’t. I know about it because I did it with my two grown sons. They were both murdered on the same day in a drive-by shooting. I didn’t know how I would get through the pain. Finally, I took their clothes to the cemetery and did what I just told you. Both of them came home with me. It was the best day of my life. I got my sons back.” Satisfied, she smiled.

Some people will dismiss this story as crazed comments of a demented woman. But, if you really listen, you’ll hear the magnificent empowerment in her words.

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and several other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Holiday Grief Support (Video Poem 4:00 mins.)

The holidays can be a troubling time for many who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Through the years, people associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places. These suggestions offer bereavement support for those dealing with grief during the holidays:

Excerpt from "Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”

"Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

This video by TheLightBeyond.com offers bereavement support based on the sympathy poem “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.” The poem comforts with thoughts that the deceased loved one is reflected in nature.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Processing Grief Through Art: Drawing a Dying Loved One (Video 2:30 mins.)

Those of you who have grieved at the bedside of a dying loved one can probably recall the many streams of thoughts that confronted you. Grace Graupe Pillard experienced her own unique recollections while drawing pictures of her dying mother every time she visited her bedside.

Grace makes it clear that she and her mother had a rocky, but affectionate, relationship. Her mother, a refugee from Nazi Germany, was receiving hospice care at the time. While drawing, Grace began to experience her mother in an objective way for the first time. An intimacy evolved between them that she had not known before. Her mother knew she was being drawn. In spite of their turbulent differences, their similarities surfaced. In the last picture of this visual diary, her mother’s mouth is open.

After studying scanned pictures of her mother, Grace noticed clearly in the flow of the lines the different emotions she had felt while drawing. She says her artistic involvement in her mother’s dying helped her to process the grief of losing someone who was such an important part of her life. Grace created an exhibition of her drawings in a show titled “Stop Stealing My Face.”

This video showcases an interview with Grace Graupe Pillard and displays of her artwork.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes”
“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Bereavement Support: Holiday Grief (Video Poem 4:00 mins.)

The holidays can be a troubling time for many who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Through the years, people associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places. My book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes includes these suggestions for dealing with grief during the holidays:

“Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

© Frances Shani Parker

This video by TheLightBeyond.com offers bereavement support based on the sympathy poem “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.” The poem comforts with thoughts that the deceased loved one is reflected in nature.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Reading Levels of Hospice Bereavement Materials

The average reading level of most newspapers is 8th grade or below. This implies that most adult readers have a better comprehension of reading materials within that average range. With that in mind, what do you think the average reading level range is for hospice bereavement materials?

The “American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care” reports this in results of a study by Morehead State University in Kentucky. Bereavement literature, including letters to families, as well as educational and resource materials available to families, caregivers, and the public, were rated in terms of reading levels. The Simplified Measure of Gobbledygook (yes, that’s the name), a readability process that is widely accepted by the literacy community, was used. Results of the study concluded that hospice bereavement materials are written at just above a 10th grade level. These results indicate a serious need for adjusting reading levels of hospice materials to levels more appropriate to those of the general public.

You can read more here about this study on reading levels and hospice bereavement materials.

As an educator, I want to emphasize the importance of having written materials at an appropriate reading level for the targeted audience. The Simplified Measure of Gobbledygook, which is also called SMOG, is a readability process that is widely accepted by the literacy community. It estimates the years of education a person needs to understand a piece of writing. You can read more about readability formulas and use a free SMOG text readability consensus calculator here:
http://www.readabilityformulas.com/smog-readability-formula.php


Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Teddy Bears: Companionship, Grief Support, Containers for Cremated Remains

Cuddly bears often have comfort appeal for both children and adults. In nursing homes, many patients with dementia cherish their dolls and bears, sometimes referred to as “babies.” Imagine all the interesting conversations these fuzzy companions share with their nurturing owners.

Hospices use bears for companionship with dying patients and for grief support with families after loved ones have died. Some hospices collect donations of new bears from the public. Others have volunteers that sew “memory bears” made from fabrics of deceased loved ones’ clothing.

Nowadays, people even use stuffed bears as containers for cremated remains (also called “cremains”) of the deceased. Not only for memorial displays, these personalized bears with hidden pouches often accompany their owners during their daily travels. Death seems easier to bear when the gentleness of a soft bear enfolds loving memories.

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog