Hospice Book Reviewer Faces Death Fears

For some people, death is a terminally ill taboo that should be feared. They avoid talking, hearing, writing, or even reading about the end of life. A hospice volunteer for 20 years, an author, and eldercare consultant, I have been told on several occasions that death is just too depressing and final to welcome on any level. 

This reluctance to examine mortality visited a friendship of mine. I had given her a copy of my book BecomingDead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. After reading the book with a mixture of curiosity and hesitance, she shared this book review with me. I’ll call her Alice. She approved my writing this post.

Because Alice works in a hospital, I was somewhat surprised to discover that she felt strongly that death, a scary stalker of her dreams, is her enemy. She explained that death has stolen too many of her loved ones, including pets. She worries about losing even more. My own positive acceptance of death, which comes across clearly in my conversations and writings, seems too accepting of her persistent adversary. While she says she would consider hospice care for herself in the future, she admits being a hospice volunteer caregiving terminally ill patients would be frightening.

What is her feedback regarding Becoming Dead Right, my non-fiction book? She cares deeply about the residents’ interesting stories and my interactions with various people in the nursing home world. My original poetry, which concludes each chapter, also pleases her. She finds the discussions on hospice, nursing homes, caregiving, dementia, death, and bereavement very informative. She appreciates that, while the book is appealing on a universal level, it includes the often-missing voices of urban dwellers, including people of color. She finds the intergenerational school-nursing home partnerships through service-learning uplifting. The ideal nursing home described in the last chapter is particularly impressive. Basically, she loves the book, but not the premise that there is a “right” way to die.

I am glad that this book meeting with her dreaded death demon impacts her so positively. Those of us who embrace the topic of death will continue to be viewed with dismay by people who cope with mortality through avoidance and resignation of themselves and loved ones as victims of death’s imagined malicious powers. Alice’s death revelations  remind us of the significance of promoting death as a natural part of life that should be experienced with dignity by everyone. 

Death conversations that we initiate can enhance lives of fearful naysayers one person at a time. These efforts empower them slowly with death acceptance even as they resist the message. I value Alice’s frankness in sharing death’s distressful presence in her life and in giving me positive feedback on my book. Most of all, I commend her willingness to become a ball of courage rolling into the high weeds of her life where the death demon lives. 

You can read more reviews and excerpts from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes at my website: http://www.francesshaniparker.com/     

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Win-Win Hospice Volunteering

By Frances Shani Parker

1) Remember why you serve.

There’s a reason you feel compelled to enhance lives of the terminally ill. Cherish that inspiration. Move forward committed to an amazing and rewarding healthcare adventure.

2) Believe it’s all win-win.

Providing end-of-life service is a privilege, not a calling to be a savior. You and those you support come together in relationships of mutual improvement. Honor your win-win journey.

3) Be present.

By all means, show up. But be present with patients after you arrive. Evaluate appearances, behaviors, surroundings, and interactions with others. Listen with your heart. Even silence speaks. Really try to understand life from their perspectives. Focus on advocacy for improving their quality of living.

4) Try other doors.

Patients will have challenges such as dementia that may not respond to your usual front-door communication. Try other doors and even windows. Obstacles are enrichment opportunities in your partnerships with patients. Touch, music, pictures, stories, and fantasies are a few entry points. Let patients help you navigate your way into their world.

5) Know your piece in the puzzle.

Adherence to rules of protocol and professional ethics should be routine. Be aware of boundaries such as confidentiality regarding yourself, your patients, and their loved ones. Follow guidelines of your hospice organization, and seek help when needed.

6) Untie your knots.

There may be times of doubt, confusion, sadness, and guilt. These are normal knots of the caregiving process. Untie them by seeking support for your total well-being. Maintain proper rest, nutrition, exercise, and balance in your own life. Do your best. Don’t be surprised when you discover reasons to kiss yourself.

7) Spread the word.

Be knowledgeable about hospice and palliative care. Share information so others can benefit from these specialized areas of healthcare. Encourage involvement in hospice and palliative care career and service activities.

8) Pick up a turtle.

If you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know somebody helped to put it there. Be on the lookout for turtles aiming for fence posts. Be a role model for other volunteers. Participate in organizations, conferences, workshops, and discussion groups where you can share best practices while learning new ideas.

9) Write death sentences.

Death will come no matter how often you avoid it or wrestle it to the ground. Have your advance directives, finances, and property in legal order. Urge others to do the same. Don’t burden loved ones later with important decisions you can record now. As you unfasten yourself from this life, be satisfied knowing your death sentences will be carried out according to your wishes.

10) Expect rainbow smiles.

Rainbow smiles hug you so tightly you can feel ribs of joy press against your essence. Hospice volunteering provides ongoing experiences for you to positively impact lives. When you do, rainbow smiles will come.

© Frances Shani Parker, author of Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Naomi Long Madgett: Frances Shani Parker's Selfie Haiku (iPad Research)

Selfie Haiku

Magical tablet

imaging a friendship dear,

framing our selfie.

At the age of 91, Naomi Long Madgett enjoys using her computer. Poet Laureate of Detroit, Michigan, she is also an educator, author, and publisher. We have shared technology talks often, and her eagerness to learn more is refreshing. According to the Pew Research Center, four in ten people over age 65 do not use the Internet. When other older adults become frustrated with the dynamics of their computer "relationships," I use Naomi as a motivating example by reminding them that she never says, "I'm too old for this new stuff." 

I visited Naomi with my iPad after selfies exploded with popularity. I knew curiosity would entice her to explore this innovative technology. 

"Is that one of those things they call a tablet?" she asked me.

I responded by explaining a few tasks my popular mini giant could do. Finally, I questioned, "You want to take a selfie together? Do you know what that is?"

Like a confident geek, she immediately responded, "Sure, I've heard about them. They're photos people take of themselves. Let's do it!"

And we started some serious posing while I snapped until we had it right. I saved a visual snippet of our time together. At home later, I wrote the haiku, a form of Japanese poetry in 17-syllable verse form consisting of three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables.

Without realizing it, Naomi's eagerness to embrace technology helps her in ways that a growing body of older adult computer research evidence supports. One example of such research conducted by the University of New Hampshire in Durham and Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan was with a home-based information communication technology (ICT) training program. Graduate occupational therapy students used iPads for the training of older adults. 

Progress of participants being trained in ICT activities showed positive trends over six months, including their perspectives on technology. In fact, participants liked the iPads so much that the vast majority accepted ownership of them at the end of the study. This research reported that building capacity of older adults to utilize the multifaceted potential of this technology is "critical in addressing declines in health, impending disabilities, and social isolation." Clearly, Naomi's good choices with the "new stuff" enhance her quality of life.

You can read my poem honoring Naomi Long Madgett.

You can read Naomi Long Madgett's review of my book Becoming Dead Right.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Detroit Writing Workshop, Brush Park Manor: Stories of Successful Aging After 60 -- Frances Shani Parker, Facilitator

Heartfelt stories tucked inside had aged into whispers needing to be shouts. Stereotypes of life after 60 portraying them as declining old people waiting for life’s finale had persuaded some to even question their own testimonies. What energizes life after 60? What celebrates worth of the worthy? An exciting workshop partnership between Brush Park Manor, an independent living Presbyterian Villages of Michigan community for older Detroit adults, and Poets and Writers, Inc. was the answer.

Participants came together in a mutual quest to find out what really matters in life for them now and how they could inspire aging journeys of others. They created win-win personal narratives that helped them discover more about themselves and one another. An enlightening collection of stories representing their personal truths evolved through focused introspection and sharing.

These are some successful aging gems from their stories:

    1. Joyce Alfaro enjoys traveling to many countries now that she has time.

    2. Nathan Anderson stopped using drugs and counsels other addicts.

    3. Bessie Ardis keeps in touch with her family at reunions.

    4. Dorothy Bell cherishes her freedom to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it.

   5. Barbara Jean Carter plays music and crochets to relax and be creative.

   6. Mildred Everette enjoys meetings and trips with the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren program.

    7. Charity Jackson teaches the Enhance Fitness exercise program to fellow residents while improving her  own health.

    8. Thomas Jackson takes pride in photography and singing.

    9. Harriet Jenkins feels glad that her husband still thanks her for being his caregiver a few years ago.

   10. Edward Leonard shares with others life lessons he’s learned.

   11. Leila Marshall looks forward to new experiences and people in her work as an evangelist.

   12. Harold Massingille's post retirement job as Brush Park Manor service coordinator brings him appreciation and  smiles.

   13. Helen Presley reveals that life is truly worth living. She finds comfort in reading her Bible.

   14. Bettye Roseboro’s faith strengthens her through trials in life and makes aging wonderful.

   15. Dorothy Wise, a heart and kidney transplant and cancer survivor, declares she is a miracle.

   16. Barbara Young keeps busy with committee work and dating her male companion.
     
You probably noticed negative stereotypes about life after 60 are missing. Now, that's successful aging!

Bessie Ardis (above) was our oldest writing workshop participant at 93 years old.

 Workshop facilitator Frances Shani Parker (right) reviews another inspiring story.

You can read more details about this writing workshop at the Poets and Writers, Inc. website.


Frances Shani Parker, Author
Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit: Women of Color Cancer Support Group (Deirdre Armstrong – Frances Shani Parker Interview, Video)

Deirdre Armstrong

Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit was created to fulfill the dream of Gilda Radner, a famous American comedienne and actress, who died from ovarian cancer. A Detroiter, Gilda wanted to provide a free cancer support community for others with cancer, their families, and friends. Located locally in Royal Oak, Michigan this organization has helped thousands of members since 1998 through various support groups that accommodate diverse participants. 

I was invited to speak to the Gilda’s Club Women of Color Cancer Support Group about my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes. Sitting in a comfortable circle in the nonresidential house where Gilda’s Club is located, I enjoyed an enthusiastic discussion with a group of women in various stages of cancer or remission. Members also shared highlights of their lives related to cancer and offered helpful reassurance when needed. 

Deirdre Armstrong graciously agreed to the following interview to better convey her personal experiences as a member and encourage others.

1) What is the purpose of Gilda's Club Women of Color Cancer Support Group?

      Our group provides an opportunity for us to come together to discuss cancer-related issues relevant to us and provide mutual support.

2) How did you find out about this local cancer support group?

     I found out about this group from the American Cancer Society.   

3) What does the group do at the monthly meetings?

      The group meets the third Wednesday of every month. We bring healthy dishes to pass around. We also participate in updates on treatment, guest presentations, and problem solving concerning our individual illnesses.

4) How have you benefitted from being a member of this group?

      It is truly a blessing to have a nice place to go where I can be with people who have concerns like mine. We can all be some form of help to one another. We discuss where we are on this journey with our health struggles.

5) What advice would you give to others who might consider joining a support group?

      My advice to others is this: Do not be afraid. It is so beneficial to discuss cancer issues with other women who are walking in your shoes. Maybe they have not had multiple cancers like I have, but they will understand that this is an ongoing battle. We must not give up.

Deirdre, thank you for sharing your support group experience and inspiring others.

For more information about cancer and details about Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit services, resources, and other locations, view the following video. CMNtv Host Jay Wiencko interviews Laura Varon Brown of Gilda's Club Metro Detroit to discuss their mission of creating welcoming communities of free support for everyone living with cancer -- men, women, teens and children -- along with their families and friends. 

Note: In 2009, The Wellness Community and Gilda's Club joined forces to become the Cancer Support Community, which provides the highest quality emotional and social support through a global network of nearly 50 local affiliates, more than 100 satellite locations and online. To find a community-based center in your area, visit the Cancer Support Community website.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at booksellers such as Amazon and Barnes and Noble .

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog