Hiding Pain from Others (Research, Hospice Poem)

Pain can be tricky when it comes to sharing the experience with others. Research on pain indicates various reasons patients are reluctant to share their feelings. Some patients will want to just be brave and handle it on their own. Others just don’t want to bother caregivers, or they think they wouldn’t understand even if they told them. Some patients can even be in denial about their own pain. But, during clinical encounters, patients may put themselves at greater risk for pain-related crises, use of hospice/palliative care on-call services, and in-patient transfers by not truthfully explaining their pain experience to those who can help.

Social workers and other palliative care providers should consistently and vigilantly inquire about how comfortable patients are about discussing their own pain. While pain management is a major focus of hospice care, I have witnessed and reported patients in pain during my hospice volunteer service. I visited Jim weekly during his final stages of painful cancer. An African American in his nineties, he yearned for peace. One day to help relieve his pain, I made a joyous breakthrough. When his pain came and his eyes were closed while I held his hand, he asked me if I were his wife. In my efforts to comfort him, I pretended to be his deceased wife whose name was Anne. I wrote this poem later about our being carefree and in love in old Detroit.

                                   Victory

By Frances Shani Parker

His weary, tucked-in body

lies in a nursing home bed.

A black Gandhi, he yearns for peace.

His days are chains of mountains

formed by pressures of frustration.

I approach him like a helpless child,

wonder how to lift his spirits.

Eyes that have seen ninety years

squint tightly as daggers of pain

pierce his cancerous form.

Intermittent moans of distress

announce his internal battlefield.

A volunteer, I visit him weekly,

try to arm him with weapons

to increase his victories.

Talk, sing or hold his hand?

Never sure, I try them all.

Words inside he wants to say

are muttered sounds

I seldom understand.

His smile engulfs the room

when I speak of old Detroit.

Perhaps images from the past

recapture stolen pieces

of pleasure from his youth.

I tell him I must leave,

promise to return. Surprising me

in his clearest voice,

he struggles to respond,

“I appreciate your coming.”

                              

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.
Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice, Long-Term Care, and Dementia Quiz

Hospice, Long-Term Care, and Dementia Quiz

What's your response to these statements?

By Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

               

1)   Death is a terrible thing.

Fact: Death is a natural part of life that everyone will experience. Accept, discuss, and prepare for becoming dead in your future.

2)   It’s always better to die at home.

Fact: “Home” can be the presence of love and comfort wherever a terminally ill patient may be. Most people die in institutions.

3)   Hospice speeds up death.

Fact: If two similar people had the same terminal illness, the one receiving hospice care would probably live longer.

4)   Pain is a natural part of aging and dying. Under-treated pain slows down the death process.

Fact: Pain medication is available to offer appropriate relief to patients. Under-treated pain worsens the process unnecessarily.

5)   Patients with dementia don’t miss visits from relatives and friends they don’t recognize.

Fact: Patients with dementia are often aware of their surroundings on some level. Loved ones should focus on patients’ current abilities and make every effort to spend quality time with them.

6)   Patients with dementia are always suffering.

Fact: Patients with dementia have varied days like everyone else. Happy memories and enriching activities can slow-dance into their realities and fill them with joy.

7)   Caregivers must only focus on their patients.

Fact: Caregivers must focus on their own care as well. They should seek supportive resources and monitor their sleep habits, irritability, and general health, always with a willingness to seek help when needed.

8)   Caregivers should not question decisions of healthcare professionals who are the experts.

Fact: Caregivers should be proactive as patient advocates. They should stay informed about patients’ symptoms, diseases, treatment purposes, and side effects.

9)   Long-term care facilities are not good places for children to visit.

Fact: Intergenerational experiences help children understand life’s passages. Children should experience opportunities that encourage them to become nurturing people, eliminate ageism stereotypes, and expose them to possible career choices.

10) Hospice work is mostly depressing.

Fact: Millions of hospice workers view their involvement with patients as privileged occasions for mutual growth and fulfillment.

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog