Male Caregiver of Mother: Interview with Frank Gasiorek and Frances Shani Parker

Catherine and Frank Gasiorek

Frank Gasiorek is a man devoted to his terminally ill mother. He belongs to a growing group of 14.5 million men who make up one out of three caregivers in America. Like millions of people carrying personal stories most of us will never know, he told me he was a caregiver only after I happened to mention my involvement with eldercare. From our conversations, I have come to view him as an excellent role model for caregivers in general, especially men. In this interview with me, he shares his caregiving journey:

1)   Frank, how did you become your mother’s primary caregiver?

I began my role as my mother's primary caregiver due to being an only son with siblings living out of state. Also, having a strong bond with a person who was a dedicated single parent and mentor during my early childhood years gave me the desire to give back and return the service.

2)   What concerns do you think are unique to caregiving of a parent by an adult child, especially one of the opposite sex?

Sometimes different interests and backgrounds may be a factor.  However, the realization that I only get one of these, a unique person and mother, is important. As the years passed and more personal care and attention were needed, my mother stated she did not want to live her final years outside of her home. She also did not want outsider care assistance.   

Acceptance of my role as a male caregiver had to be addressed. No longer am I the son. I had to explain to my mother that, when I step in as the caregiver, she needs to respect the care she receives. I am the professional person providing home care. There have been times when she returned from the hospital and then to rehab and back home. I did contract some part-time assistance with homecare nursing for the short term. 

3)   Has your being a male made you less prepared or efficient as a caregiver?

Having worked previously within the healthcare system has exposed me to the assistance that comes with caregiving. In addition, having been rooted in human sensitivity has provided me with a foundation to complement the needs of the healthcare person.

4)   What are some resources that you have found to be especially helpful and that you would recommend for others?

Always consider the local church, community and city services that offer guidance and support. Public and private agencies are easy to research via the Internet.

5)   Do you communicate regularly with other caregivers for support?

Having a network of colleagues associated with caregiving is essential to maintaining balance. A support group with other caregivers creates a bond of positive feedback. Primary physician support staff members are often good individuals for consultations. 

6)   Caregiving can be stressful and socially isolating. Have you experienced this? If so, how do you cope with these challenges?

My network of support helps to keep me balanced when I experience challenges. We allow one another to vent our daily drama of caring for loved ones.

7)   What rewards have you enjoyed as a caregiver?

Spiritually satisfying, caregiving brings the joy of assisting another person for the common good.  Keeping a person exposed to dignity and love is uplifting to the spirit.

8)   What advice would you give to other caregivers now that you understand what this responsibility entails?

Beware. Caregiving is not for everyone. Caregiving is not easy.  Caregiving takes planning and involves orchestrating many daily human needs of an individual. Always maintain space between caregiving assignments and appointments to recharge.

9)   How can those who are not caregivers support those who are?

Financial support would seem to be the easy answer. Nonetheless, periodic backup team members who are not caregivers can greatly assist primary caregivers. For example, team members can provide helpful phone calls to caregivers and homebound individuals.

 

   10)  Do you have any final words?

Caregiving is a rewarding experience that is not for everyone. As our mature population continues to live longer and more independently, there is an increasing need for caregiving at different levels. Respect for life must be admired, honored and planned for to create quality life.

Frank, thank you for sharing your caregiving journey. Your firsthand knowledge will be beneficial to caregivers, patients and many others involved in improving quality of life for those in need of caregiving assistance.

Postscript:

Synopsis of Catherine Louise Palmer-Gasiorek  

April 22, 1930 - June 16, 2012

Born to Lenard and Emily (Eby) Palmer on April 22, 1930 in Monroe, Michigan on 10^th Street, Catherine was the fifth of nine children, five sisters and three brothers. She was baptized in Monroe at Saint Michael's Church on Front Street where she attended grade school through second grade.  However, the economic downturn of the 1930's developed change for the family, and they eventually moved to a farm in Carleton on O’Hara Road near Saint Patrick's Church. There she continued school and the sacraments of communion and confirmation. When she was thirteen years old, she met Detroiter Rose Radajewski who was part of a family produce business expanding market share to supply Eastern Market with products.   

It was at that time she met Frank A. Gasiorek, then eighteen and another Detroiter, who was employed to assist with the produce service. Both Catherine and Frank developed a close friendship over several years. However, the war years took him away to the Pacific Campaign at Saipan, Nagasaki and other area islands. He returned at the age of twenty-two when Catherine was seventeen, and they were engaged in Detroit at Rouge Park just off Warren Avenue and Outer Drive where Frank once caddied for golfers. Shortly after, they were married on November 8, 1947 with Frank embracing her community and home and Catherine complementing him by embracing his culture and home. By 1949 the family was started to eventually consist of five children, four daughters and a son. The happy family unfortunately experienced change as sadly Frank expired in his home May 25, 1969 during his early 40's.  

Catherine maintained the family and home by keeping focus on basic needs and spiritual concerns for everyone. The years passed, and the children grew up and married to accomplish hopes and dreams, bringing both grandchildren and great-grandchildren to fill her years with joy. During the last twenty years, Catherine experienced poor health. The last five years offered more challenges with countless miracles to recover and return to a quality life. She wanted to be respected and honored with her final days in her home and in the company of family and friends. Quietly, she passed away in exactly the fashion she hoped for on Saturday, June 16, 2012, the feast day of the Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the day after the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. Catherine was surrounded by family, martyrs, saints, angels and heavenly hosts ushering her towards the highest alter in heaven to celebrate the Eucharistic feast for the Lamb of God and the Resurrection of her soul with Christ, her Lord and Savior.

Joys: Family, friends, music, cultural events; Faith in Mary, the Holy Family, the Eucharist, IHM Sisters

Quotes: “We all have a number of days given to us at birth. You are numbered.”  

“Your health is your wealth” and “Some other guy has it worse off than you have it.” 

Flower Choice: White mums and roses

Favorite Color: Baby blue

Cherished Object: Communion Plaque of Mary

Favorite Prayer: "Hail Mary" and “Jesus my Lily, Jesus my Flower, the Lord be with me, my dying hour.”

Last Words: “I am ready.” 

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers in America and other countries and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Service-Learning Reflection Poem (School-Nursing Home Partnership, Dementia)

 

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Service-Learning Reflection Poem (School-Nursing Home Partnership, Dementia)

Nursing homes are ideal places for students to visit and share what they are learning in school. A national service-learning consultant and former schoolwide service-learning principal, I have had many occasions to witness these intergenerational partnerships. Service-learning is a teaching and learning approach that connects learning with meeting community needs. Included in curriculum learning objectives, service-learning is used by many school and community organizations. For example, after students learn how to write letters, service-learning could include writing letters to older adults who would benefit from receiving their letters. Of course, service recipients might show their appreciation by writing students letters in response. The exchange is always win-win, even when the rewards are intangible. And they usually are.

A growing body of service-learning research shows that students benefit academically and affectively as a result of service-learning. Because teachers prepare students well before their nursing home visits, students know what to expect. If a resident falls asleep or cries, students understand why that’s okay. The word dementia can be added to their vocabulary with relevance and meaning. They are open to the experience of being with the elderly and the challenged. They take pride in the roles they play in enriching lives.

After students return to school, they reflect on how the nursing home visit affected them, what they learned, and ways to share that information with others. While students' reflections can take many forms (written, oral, dance, music, art, etc.), the poem below is an example of poetic reflections from my book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes, which includes a chapter on intergenerational partnerships between schools and nursing homes.

                        Student Reflections

I know you forget

you have a roommate,

imagine you take distant trips,

see me as a short brown blur

when I visit your nursing home.

I know your childhood

friends whisper secrets,

your favorite dress has ruffles,

my cards touch you with sunshine,

you love the stories I tell.

I know that carrots

make you frown,

my visits swing you higher,

loneliness glues you down,

you miss your friends who died.

I know you teach me

about new things,

praise me when I’m good,

help me care about others

the way you care about me.

                        © Frances Shani Parker

Note: Winner of the National Service-Learning Partnership Trailblazer Award, Frances Shani Parker, a hospice volunteer, writer, and eldercare consultant has been instrumental in implementing service-learning in school districts across the country.

You can read about our fourth graders' nursing home research on ageism stereotypes here.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Are You Satisfied With Your Hospice Job? (Research, Video 1: 22)

              Pictured are members of the Guardian Hospice Care Team in Alexandria, LA.

           

Are you satisfied with your hospice job? If a poll were taken today, do you think most of your fellow employees would share your feelings? How people feel about their jobs can impact their lives greatly. Taking time to evaluate job satisfaction can be informative, particularly for improving quality of life.

Hospice workers face unique challenges as they interact regularly with terminally ill patients and their families. How do workers in the various hospice disciplines rate their job satisfaction? Researchers at the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine evaluated 8,495 staff members from 177 participating hospices in 41 states. They used the Survey of Team Attitudes and Relationships (STAR) with these results:

The mean score was 28 on a 0-100 scale. Hospice-level scores ranged from 15 to 44 with 44 being the highest level of satisfaction. The following are categories and scores:

Physicians -- 42

Chaplains -- 30

Nurses' Aides – 29

Nonclinical staff and clinical staff -- 28

Bereavement Coordinators -- 27

Nurses -- 26

Social Workers -- 25

This research concluded that variations in job satisfaction among hospices and disciplines are significant. Do these results surprise you, or did you expect them to be similar?

In this video, Dr. Martha Twaddle, Chief Medical Officer of Midwest Palliative & Hospice CareCenter, explains the role of the hospice interdisciplinary team. 

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Holiday Blues Grief Support

The holidays can be a troubling time for many who are adjusting to the loss of loved ones. Through the years, people associate holiday traditions with familiar people and places. These suggestions  offer bereavement support for those grieving during the holidays:

Mourners have to decide the best ways they can adjust to the holidays. One option is to create new holiday traditions. If holidays were celebrated as a family, new traditions can be planned as a family, so everyone can have input. This will give family members an opportunity to discuss their feelings about the deceased loved one and possibly include something in the new tradition that commemorates that person in an uplifting manner. This could be a type of memorial that adds pleasure to holidays in the future, something that would have pleased the deceased.

Whether celebrating the holidays alone, with others, or not at all, people should always follow their hearts and do what feels best for them. There is no one way for everyone. There are different ways that work well for different people. Some people who found the holidays stressful, phony, or too commercial before their loved one died may want to redirect their holiday focus. They might choose to participate in an activity that is calmer and more meaningful to them such as volunteering at places where they can help others or sharing with others in another capacity. Others may want to celebrate alone or with a few friends, take a trip to another state or country, or just be involved with something they enjoy doing that may or may not have anything to do with the holidays, but everything to do with their own quality of life."

© Frances Shani Parker, Becoming Dead Right

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Holiday End-of-Life Conversations

The holidays often provide opportunities for families and close friends to get together, reminisce, and have a joyful time. But what about happiness in the future? Why not take advantage of this time together to engage in important end-of life conversations that can be crucial later in honoring end-of-life wishes of those you love and yourself.

Engage With Grace is a a movement aimed at promoting these kinds of conversations using the five questions below. They’re not easy questions, but they are important and shouldn’t be ignored. Sometimes we think we know what loved ones want, and we really don’t. Later in life, when several people are involved in making inevitable decisions about life threatening health matters, guessing, confusion, and hurt feelings can easily hinder progress. The key to preventing this negativity is having end-of-life conversations when they can be positive with personal input regarding what loved ones really want. Fortunately, many people actually enjoy discussing their answers with loved ones.

Add new meaning to your holidays by including thoughtful conversations that can improve quality of life. No one knows what the circumstances could be at future family gatherings during a healthcare crisis. You and your loved ones can benefit greatly from answering these questions and implementing the suggestions given. The Caring Connections website has information to help you with your plans. (Click on the questions below to make them larger):

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Nurses’ Burnout (Research, Video 1:43)

Burnout among nurses can be costly, not only for nurses personally, but also in terms of litigation, staff turnover, and risks to patient care. While many nurses love their jobs, when frustration becomes overwhelming, burnout can set in. A University of Pennsylvania study of 95,499 nurses revealed that the highest job dissatisfaction was among nurses who worked directly with patients in hospitals and nursing homes.

One irony is that a major concern of nurses is healthcare benefits, which are less than other white-collar workers. Satisfaction levels of patients in hospitals are lowered when there are more dissatisfied or burned out nurses working among them. This can also negatively impact the quality of care patients receive. There is no one easy solution to the problem of nurses’ burnout. Various job issues have to be addressed.

At personal levels, nurses can benefit from the caregiving of others while they serve as caregivers themselves. Ohio State University Medical Center has started the Stress, Trauma and Resilience (STAR) program to do just that. Nurses and other healthcare providers receive support, particularly on reducing stress, crisis management, and peer counseling. This video describes the program:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Veterans: Hospice and Palliative Care Trends (Research, Video 4:46)

If you are involved in hospice-palliative care work, you have probably had the opportunity to serve a veteran. Nat was my most memorable veteran patient. Although he had fought in Viet Nam years before we met as hospice volunteer and patient, his stories about his life and military service were as raw and real as any I have heard:

“I’ve seen and done things you couldn’t imagine. Some of them were horrible, I mean really horrible. Don’t ask me to tell you what they were, because I can’t talk about it. They say time heals all wounds, but it’s a lie. I left Viet Nam, but Viet Nam never left me. I carry it with me everywhere I go. All these years later, I still have nightmares like you wouldn’t believe. The doctor says it’s post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. I wake up shaking, gasping for breath with tears in my eyes. In my dreams, I’m always running hard, trying to escape. Sometimes my enemies are close enough for me to touch. I almost stop breathing to keep them from hearing me. I’m constantly thinking I’m not going to make it. Some nights they kill me before I wake up.” (Excerpt from Becoming Dead Right)

Nat is like many men and women who have served our country and now find themselves in need of hospice care. The number of veterans receiving hospice care continues to become a major area of expansion for the Veterans Health Administration. Research by the Department of Aging and Mental Health Disparities at the University of South Florida reports that, of the millions of dollars being spent on veterans in hospice care, most of the funds are spent on younger veterans. Future trends indicate a growing need to allocate more funds for end-of-life care. Support and appreciation for the horrific sacrifices veterans have made are especially important during their death journeys.

This video titled Reaching Out to Those Who Served was produced by the Tennessee Hospice Association as part of a grant through the Veterans Administration and the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. It presents a detailed overview of hospice and palliative care services for veterans.

                  





Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Older Adult Sleep Problems: Drug-Free Solutions (Research, Video .25)

Older adults have sleep problems just like millions of others do. Unfortunately, they often find inappropriate treatments that they may think are effective. This sleep research, conducted by the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, focused on the perceived effectiveness of older adults’ various sleep treatments. Information was gathered through a mailed questionnaire to a community-based sample of older adults with 242 responding. These are examples of the sleep interventions older adults used:

1)    Watching television, listening to the radio, and reading were the most popular interventions.

2)    Taking medications such as pain medication and prescription sleeping pills were also common. Older adults perceived sleeping pills as being most effective.

3)    Drinking alcohol was another form of self-treatment.

About half of those using alcohol and prescribed over the-counter sleep aids had not discussed their sleep problems with their doctor. Not discussing sleep problems and treatments they are using with their doctors can worsen their problems and possibly put them in serious danger healthwise. Healthcare providers and caregivers should make it a point to initiate conversations with older adults about sleeping patterns.

In this video, Dr. David Schulman, Sleep Specialist at Emory University, recommends the following seven drug-free sleep tips. Older adults, in addition to keeping their healthcare providers informed, can use them:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog