Death Ritual: Funeral Celebrating Detroit Unclaimed Dead

                                                         

Rest in peace.

On this third Wednesday of the month, I join with eight others at a Detroit funeral home. We are here to pay our respects to 28 deceased people who are both strangers and new friends to us. Our purpose is to provide a final send-off to celebrate their lives. For various reasons such as abandonment at the Wayne County morgue and hospitals or families not providing a funeral, these spirits of adults, children, and “little angels who died without taking a breath” have found their way to Perry Funeral Home in Detroit, Michigan.

This monthly ritual started about three years ago by a man who says he was driving in his car while listening to the radio one day and heard about unclaimed bodies stacking up in cold storage behind the morgue. Concerned about this increasing problem, he contacted the coroner who directed him to Perry Funeral Home where bodies were being sent for burial. Eventually, Perry Funeral Home made arrangements for members of St. Christopher and St. Paul Episcopal Church to become involved. They started the Celebration of Friends memorial services to bring formal closure to the lives of those with no other means of having this observance. Everyone is welcome to attend the rituals.

Various church members and others assist with activities during the service supporting funeral home services. Preparations include printed programs, American flags, candles, and beautiful white roses representing each deceased honoree. Roses are distributed to participants at the end of the service. Attendees are encouraged to give them to others to pray in honor of the deceased.

I sense something powerful in the room when each departed person’s earthly existence is acknowledged with an oral reading stating name (if known), date of birth, and death. Our sincere and enthusiastic response of “May he/she rest in peace” feels empowering, knowing our presence serves as testimony to their lives and our hopes for their future peace. We settle into satisfied and sing in celebration of this momentous occasion. Each one of our new friends has been claimed.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes (paperback, e-book)

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

How Do Hospice Volunteers Cope? (Research, Video)

There is a common perception that hospice volunteers must have a difficult time being with people who are dying. Many times I have been told, “I don’t see how anybody can volunteer to work under those conditions. It must be depressing.” I reassure them that my hospice volunteer experiences are rewarding and uplifting.  Sometimes I ask them, “Do you really think I would visit dying people week after week for years so I could be depressed? Give me a break.”

While hospice volunteers generally embrace their positive win-win service experiences, they also have challenges that require good coping skills to benefit themselves and their patients. A study by researchers at Utah Valley University reported on volunteer feedback from interviews addressing this topic. What are some coping techniques volunteers incorporated?

1)   Problem-focused coping (seeking advice from members of the hospice interdisciplinary team)

2)   Emotion-focused coping (talking with others, going to funerals)

3)   Meaning making through appraisal (religious beliefs, downward comparison of oneself with others)

4)   Physical techniques (walking, deep breathing)

5)   Talking with the volunteer coordinator

Conversing with volunteer coordinators was the most significant coping mechanism of all. This further emphasizes the importance of their role in helping volunteers succeed.

This unique video showcases Tzu Chi (Chinese) hospice volunteers who serve in Scotch Plains, New Jersey at the Peggy Coloney House at Hope Village. This is a freestanding hospice that is part of the Center for Hope Hospice and Palliative Care.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Organ Donations: Family Response to the Experience (Research, Video 2:47)

People have interesting ideas about donating their organs to others after they die. Perhaps you have heard someone say they wouldn’t donate their organs because their bodies would not be complete in the afterlife or on Judgment Day when they returned.  With those kinds of thoughts, imagine how difficult it must be for some people to make the decision to donate organs of a loved one. Even families who view organ donation as a means for the loved one to live on in another person may find the ordeal distressful on some level.

What do people who have been involved in the organ donation process think about their experience? Response to a 20-question survey of organ and tissue donors' families in San Diego and Imperial County (California) reported these results:

1)   Most respondents (84%) indicated that family support was the most helpful thing in dealing with their grief, followed by the support of friends (74%) and religious and cultural beliefs (37%).

2)   Most (75%) indicated that they agreed to the donation so that something positive could result from their loss.

3)   Most respondents (93%) felt that they were given enough information to make an informed decision about donation.

4)   6% indicated that the donation process interfered with funeral or memorial arrangements.

 5)  More than 95% understood that their loved one had died before they were approached for consent.

 6)  12% said they still had unanswered questions about aspects of donation.

 7) 15% indicated that discussing organ donation added more emotional stress to their overall experience.

While most respondents seem to have had a satisfying experience participating in the organ donor process and regarding grief management, some have troubling concerns that can impact them negatively over time if they are not resolved. Healthcare workers have to be especially sensitive to those involved with organ donations both before and after the loved one’s death in terms of support and grief management.

Steve Ferkau has lived with cystic fibrosis his entire life. He has almost died on more than one occasion. His life changed eight years ago when he received a new set of lungs from a young woman named Kari. This video tells their story: 


Frances Shani Parker, Author

"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes” (paperback, e-book)

“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Hospice Volunteer and Dementia Patient Share Common History: Poem “Deeper Than Words”

Guarded from angry mobs by federal marshals in 1960, first-grader Ruby Bridges integrated William Frantz Public School in New Orleans, LA, my hometown. In protest during the first year, all parents withdrew their children from the school.

Hospice volunteers and patients come together as strangers and often discover that they have common histories or characteristics. These familiar experiences and qualities unite them in special ways that take their bonding to another level of understanding. Shared similarities can include civil rights oppression, languages, disabilities, military service, talents, occupations, travel, values, and other factors.

My book Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes concludes each chapter with an original poem. I was inspired to write this poem while watching my hospice patient sleep. I thought about our shared African American history that bridged our communication beyond her dementia and enhanced my respect for all she represented.

Deeper Than Words

The outside world arrives

wearing my willing face.

Toothless, your smile widens

like a baby’s hungry for attention.

Almost ninety-eight years old,

your inner candle still glows.

A hospice volunteer, I lean closer,

talk into your listening left ear,

“Today is Sunday, Miss Loretta.”

My news drifts away like smoke.

You stare at me through dying coals.

Whatever I ask, you whisper, “Yes.”

I stroke your age-softened arms

while your hazed mind masters sleep.

Watching you, I dream generations

of women black and strong, each one

a book of sustaining stories

about joy, pain, courage, survival.

Within your warm brown frame,

spirits from our common history linger.

Aides say you have dementia,

that you don’t know a word I say.

Our language goes deeper than words.

We speak to each other’s souls.

© Frances Shani Parker

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Grandparents as Parents (GAP): Help for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren (Video)

They thought they were finished living with children and definitely finished raising them. But that is not their reality. At a time when they are dealing with their own aging and illnesses, many grandparents and even some great grandparents are raising children. They belong to a growing population of older adults responsible for millions of children whose biological parents are not taking care of them. These caregivers never reached that cherished destination of unending childfree years after their own adult children left home. Even grandparents in their seventies are part of this widening circle.

Although we usually hear about couples or grandmothers raising their grandchildren, I have a male friend in his sixties who is raising his two grandchildren alone. Like many others, he is surprised that he has had to assume these life-changing responsibilities during the retirement years he planned most of his working life. Unfortunate circumstances usually are the cause of these unexpected caregiving roles. The amazing part, however, is how well many grandparents and grandchildren adjust to their new lifestyle changes. But the financial, physical, and emotional challenges involved can be very stressful. 

The Grandparents as Parents (GAP) program is a community based organization in the Los Angeles County area that provides emotional support, educational services, counseling, funding for social activities, and other resources for grandparents and their grandchildren. Other nonbiological caregivers rasing children are also assisted. Visit this AARP site for more information about support for grandparents raising grandchildren. 

This video titled “Grandparents Raising Kids” highlights the Henderson family:

Click here to view Great-Grandparents Raising Children: A Tribute (Video 2:42) The Cooks are great-grandparents who accepted the commitment and sacrifices of raising their great-grandson. 

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes(paperback, e-book)

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice-Palliative Volunteers: Ranking and Rating Services (Research, Video 2:05)

Denver Hospice Volunteer Training Class

Imagine you were recently diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. Would you want a hospice-palliative care volunteer to join this journey with you and your family? More and more adults see the value in this decision. Their concern centers around, not only the services they will receive, but also the benefits their families can reap at this critical time. Mount Alison University researchers familiarized 143 adults with the services of volunteers and asked them to simply imagine having a terminal illness. The vast majority (94.4%) wanted volunteer support.

Hospice-palliative volunteers provide many services that can be categorized as emotional, social, practical, informational, and religious/spiritual. When these groupings were narrowed down to 23 specific volunteer tasks and presented to research participants for ranking, they chose practical support most. Practical support includes tasks such as running errands, writing letters, feeding, and grooming. Gender differences in participants’ emotional and social support preferences were significant, with women rating them more important than men did. Emotional support includes holding hands, playing music, saying words of comfort. Social support includes tasks such as sharing hobbies, pushing wheelchairs, and participating in recreational activities.

In this video, Annie, a Hospice of the Western Reserve volunteer, shares her experience

in providing supportive visits to patients and families.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes” (paperback, e-book)

“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Holocaust Survivors and Offspring: How Are They Coping? (Research, Video 2:17)

Erika is my Jewish friend who was a child during the Holocaust. The Holocaust refers to the Nazis' systematic murder of more than six million European Jews, as well as members of other persecuted groups such as gypsies, homosexuals, and the disabled.

Her firsthand stories give history a name and face that validate the plight of those murdered during that horrific period. She attributes her current existence to a sympathetic family that hid her in their home from Nazi soldiers. Like many survivors who are older adults now, Erika continues to cope with the trauma of her childhood experiences. 

Because of their backgrounds, Holocaust survivors may find aging more stressful. Their children may find maintaining their parents’ daily satisfaction with life more challenging at times as a direct result of parents’ posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is an anxiety disorder that occurs after witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event.

How are the two generations faring in general? The University of Haifa in Israel researched Holocaust survivors and their offspring for information on their lives. They studied them using a case study design with 174 participants of two generations with four groups: 32 elderly female Holocaust survivors and 47 daughters, and 33 elderly women in the comparison group, and 32 daughters. Mental health, physical health, and cognitive functioning were examined

Results revealed that “Holocaust survivors still display posttraumatic stress symptoms almost 70 years after the trauma.” On a positive note, adult offspring of Holocaust survivors showed no differences in their physical, psychological, and cognitive functioning as compared to matched controls. I noticed they used the word “functioning,” which is quite different from saying they carry no negative impact regarding that part of their history.

This video titled “Holocaust Survivor Testimony: Menachem Frenkel” showcases another Jewish child who survived the Holocaust due to the extraordinary goodwill of others who risked their own lives. Rescue attempts were made by three organizations -- the OSE (Children's Aid Society), Amitie Chretienne, and the Jewish Underground in Lyons -- to remove some 100 Jewish children from a concentration camp. Menachem and his sister were among those rescued one night. They escaped being among the 1.5 million Holocaust victims under the age of twelve. 

Frances Shani Parker, Author

"Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes” (paperback, e-book)

“Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog”

Hospice-Palliative Volunteers Support Patients’ Social Activities

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes by Frances Shani Parker is now published in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice-palliative patients are not always able to participate in many social activities, but they should be encouraged to become involved when they can. Social interactions can improve their sense of belonging, distract them from being depressed, and bolster their independence. Sometimes they can watch from the sidelines while still expressing their opinions and creativity.

As a hospice volunteer in Detroit nursing homes for many years, I found it very rewarding being a catalyst for patient involvement at festive gatherings. The following excerpt from Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes (paperback and e-book editions) demonstrates an important role volunteers can play in supporting patients’ participation:

Richard, my hospice patient in his eighties, seemed depressed some days, as if leaving his room to spend time with others was too much of a bother. I focused on ways to help him turn his indifference inside out, even as death’s footsteps quickened down his path. After a great deal of motivating conversation, I finally convinced him to allow me to give him a wheelchair ride to a theatrical performance at the nursing home.

 “Along the way, Richard greeted other patients and staff members who were headed down the hall in the same direction. Some shuffled along with canes and walkers, while others moved with little or no assistance. Caressing her blanket, a white-haired woman with dementia told Richard she was on her way to the airport to catch a plane. A man broke out in song with “We’re Off to See the Wizard.” I couldn’t help rolling my eyes in disbelief when Richard started telling people to hurry, so we wouldn’t be late. With each turn of his wheelchair, I could feel his energy growing as we approached the big blue room, a place that made him feel good.

 Exhilaration ignited as the show started. Accompanied by the soft thunder of drumbeats, speakers shared stories and poems in praise of their elders. Residents were given small instruments to play and were coaxed to join in singing lively songs. Dances from back in the day inspired some audience members to sway in their seats. For a soul-stirring while, the nursing home disappeared. We were all transported to a fabulous planet where euphoria was our oxygen. I watched a radiant Richard wave at people he recognized, holler when the emcee gave the signal, and clap like his life depended on it. And the quality of his life really did.”

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Older Adults/ Seniors and Technology Stereotype (Research, Video 2:58)

What percentage of adults over age 65 use the Internet? If you’re like most people, you may have bought into the stereotype that the percentage is very low. Actually, 42% of adults over age 65 use the Internet. This statistic has increased 11% over the past year and continues to grow.

What are they doing on the Internet? Young people might say they are looking for sales on walkers or Viagra sources. They could be right, but older adults are looking for so much more and finding it. I personally know an older adult who has found love on the Internet twice at a matchmaking website. Researchers at the Georgia Institute of Technology report that older adults’ positive attitudes about technology outnumber their negative attitudes. They believe that positive attitudes support many activities that older adults find convenient and useful.

Is there anything older adults don’t like about the Internet? Like many of all ages, they worry about Internet security. With all the hacking and scamming that target older adults, they should be concerned. They dislike some of the inconvenience and unreliability that holds hands with technology sometimes. But they mostly like the benefits they get from the technology experience such as Internet browsing, learning new information, social networking with family and friends, and even planning trips on their own.

Put the technology stereotype to rest. There’s a big world out there in cyberspace. Education can encourage even more older adults to explore the many wonders technology has to offer. If you're a senior who wants to learn more about traveling in cyberspace, contact your local Area Agency on Aging, a senior center, or your public library for information on where you can attend classes. Have a great trip!

At the age of 91, Naomi Long Madgett, Poet Laureate of Detroit, MI, enjoys using technology. Her good choices with the "new stuff" enhance her quality of life. You can read more about Naomi and iPad research with older adults here:

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/selfie-detroit-poet-laureate-techie-91-ipad-research-parker?trk=mp-reader-card

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Hospice Volunteers and Family Bereavement (Research, Video 5:41)

Even after patients have died, the impact of hospice volunteers continues. Volunteers can play an important role in the bereavement of family members and the ratings of their loved ones’ quality end-of-life care. A study at the Warren Alpert School of Medicine at Brown University highlights the importance of volunteers in bereaved family members’ higher overall satisfaction with hospice services.

Using an analysis of the number of volunteer hours used in direct patient care and the total number of patient days served, researchers surveyed 305 hospice programs (67% freestanding and 20.7% for profit). A total of 57,353 surveys were submitted. Hospice programs with the greatest usage of volunteers had higher overall ratings of quality care. These programs with higher use of volunteers per patient day were associated with bereaved family members’ reports that the hospice programs quality of care was excellent. Research results such as this confirm the major contributions hospice volunteers make in improving quality end-of-life-care and bereavement.

This video showcases The Community Hospice, the largest hospice program in New York and one of the nation’s largest non-profit hospice programs. Grief and bereavement programs there service everyone, regardless of whether the person who died was a hospice patient:

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many booksellers and in e-book form at Amazon and Barnes and Noble booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

Older Adult/ Senior Bullies in Long-Term Care and Senior Communities

Some people wake up and change. Others just roll over. I’m referring to the bullies of our pasts and others who have become older adult bullies. These bullies are now terrorizing residents in long-term care and assisted living facilities, senior centers, and retirement communities around the country.

Welcome to the irony of older adults practicing ageism. The first time I witnessed older adults bullying others was at a senior center where, after a great deal of resistance from members, the age for joining the center had finally been lowered from 62 to 55 years old. Most local senior centers had already lowered their membership age years before this center. Several older members were openly rude to younger members who joined. At lunchtime, I watched them “reserving” tables for their older friends and leaving leftover seating for younger members. I overheard negative comments about “those new young people” stated loudly enough for everyone to hear. I even witnessed an attempt to get a younger member in trouble. I reported all incidents I witnessed to the administration. They said they were “working on the problem, but change takes time.” Unfortunately, many older adults don’t have a lot of time ahead of them. No one should have to spend their golden years being victimized daily by mean-spirited bullies.

These are some hurtful actions of “mature” bullies:

1.    Block off seats for their little cliques at mealtimes and events.

2.    Criticize, ridicule, and lie about those who don’t meet their standards of acceptance regarding race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, economic background, and any other criteria they condone.

3.    Steal and destroy property to flaunt their power and harass victims.

4.    Physically abuse victims by pushing, hitting, punching, or kicking them. They sometimes justify this as an “accident.”

A former school principal, I know bullying is a problem that only gets worse when it’s ignored. Too often the victims are vulnerable and defenseless. Some, such as those targeted because of their sexual orientation, become so depressed they commit suicide. Observers are often too afraid themselves to take a stand. The administration must be seriously involved. These are some guidelines that can help solve problems of bullying:

1.    Commit to and promote principles of equality and respect for all residents/members.

2.    Do a confidential needs assessment on bullying to determine how severe the problem is. General needs assessments should be done annually.

3.    Have open discussions involving residents, staff, and community members about bullying, its causes, and solutions. Consultants with expertise in bullying, conflict resolution, diversity, etc. can be especially helpful.

4.    Provide extensive staff training in how to handle bullying among themselves and those they serve.  Continue to educate residents/members. Victims need the support, and bullies need to be reminded that eliminating bullying is an ongoing priority.

5.    Review and change procedures that can decrease the power of bullies. For example, eliminating reserved seating and implementing another seating procedure can prevent bullying cliques from saving blocks of the best seats for themselves.

6.    Create and disseminate a zero tolerance policy on bullying along with channels for reporting incidents and resolving them.

7.    Keep in mind that the goal is to create a culture where no bullying is the standard embedded in how the institution operates. There must be consistency in implementation and visible recognition of everyone’s dignity and rights.

Frances Shani Parker, Author

Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback and e-book editions in America and other countries at online and offline booksellers.

Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog